Dan vs. Man, Dan vs. Nature, Dan vs. Himself

2012-01-22T22:03:00.001-05:00

This is what Canadians do with our rivers in the winter.

Ottawa Update 45

Yo,

After having written more articles in my four weeks at the Citizen than I did in the entire year before it, I’m finding my time at school is moving in slow motion these days. My assignments are not motivating me like they were a few short weeks ago and I’m now completely uninspired. The only reason I’m writing this Update is to entertain myself and or avoid the boredom as there is little to talk about.

That being said, my very first ‘journalist’ application has been submitted. The Citizen hires recent grads at full time salary for 16 weeks between May and September. I like to think that I’m the man for the job.

Unlike in years past, putting my resume together this time was kinda fun. I got a lot more swag than ever before and I know that I can do the job. In fact, I was kinda shocked about how good I can make myself look on paper. I have a ton of solid clippings, I’m much improved writing/computer skills wise and I’m oozing confidence. It all looks so good that I’m handing in another one this week.

The weather is cold, I’ve been burning the midnight oil on some other projects and I’m now gonna run and write something up that only my teacher is going to read. I hope you’re starting to see why I didn’t bother writing for so long.

Take care and I’ll see you next week.

Dan.

2012-01-15T23:19:00.001-05:00

A little sumpthin’ I’ve been working on...

Ottawa Update 44

Yo,

Not tons going on here this week. School’s up and running, and all my classmates seem to have had a good Yuletide season...except for the few that didn’t make it back. I’m settled in and getting ready for the stretch run. What we’re looking at is eight weeks in class then a six week internship and after that I’ll be runnin’ solo and making millions in the journalism world.

The week went by fast and from what I can gather we seem to be heavy on the media side of things - radio, TV, media law, ‘new media’ (blogging, Twitter) and ‘long form journalism’ (books) - and light on the writing. For me that’s a good thing, as I’m sure there will be plenty of time for writing later on.

Since I will be heading out into the great big scary world shortly, I thought that it was time that I start to tweak the old resume so that some multinational corporation can snap me up as soon as I can convince them that I’ll earn them money. And what you see above here is my first step towards ensuring that happens with as little delay time as possible.

When I got the gig at the Citizen I knew that it came with a small sum of money and on my first day I got handed a grand total of 400 bucks in return for my four weeks service. I took that tidy sum and invested it into some music recording gear and I dug through the libraries for something to edit together and presto you have ‘A Day In The Life’.

I spent the better part of two weeks going through every Youtube Premiere Pro tutorial I could find, then applying whatever they talked about to the vid, then I deleted my first copy while I was trying to figure out why there was no memory left on my hard drive, then I spent another week redoing it, naming it properly and backing up everything until you have what you see here.

I know that it’s a little over the top with all the self promotion stuff, but I want future employers to walk away knowing my name, the stuff I can do and what software I can do it on, so forgive the excesses. There will be more to come so stay tuned to Dan TV.

Nothing else to write about, other than we got some snow, and it is cold, -29˚ today. Looking at the weather in Japan I see that it is 6˚ in Kawaguchi right now. While it is far colder here it is still way, way warmer in my house than in any of my old Japanese apartments, so I won’t complain.

Anyhoo, take care good night and happy watching,

Dan.

2012-01-08T21:24:00.011-05:00

A multi-season shot of Algonquin College over 2011.

Ottawa Update 43

Well folks, aside from my continually deteriorating physical health, it has been a very good week for this old hombre.

I finished up at the Citizen on Thursday, after a very satisfying, but somewhat longish internship. My time there saw me get about 15 pieces published in the paper and I wrapped things up with a nice article that made the front cover. It would’ve been an ideal clipping for any budding journalist’s portfolio except that I spelt the subject’s name spelt wrong.

Sadly for slackers like me, thoroughness and accuracy are still an important component of journalism, so bonehead mistakes are likely not a good thing to be showing to any prospective employers.

During my time there there was a grand total of ten interns ‘working’ at the paper and so any leg up I thought I interning was going to give me over the competition might not be as good as I thought it might. It may also answer a few questions you may have about the quality of writing in City sections around the world.

But I digress, my terrible writing aside, the time spent there was a very positive experience for me. While I’ve always been more magazine focused, both for the slower pace and the glossy pictures. There is something about the fast pace and pressure of a daily. Besides the people there were great, very patient and fun.

So while I’m mentally sharp, physically I’m a train wreck. I did manage to bike the 13 km ride from my house to the Citizen every day including a couple of -28˚ deep freeze days. But for some reason I also had some of the worst back pain of my life. To the point where on New Year’s Eve I couldn’t straighten up, I guess I looked like an old Japanese lady, and for those of you who know what I’m talking about that’s not a good thing at all.

So with me I finishing at the paper on Thursday, Friday was spent sitting in doctor’s offices in a desperate attempt to see if I had any hope left. At this point I’ve arranged a battalion of tests and meeting with specialists and technicians. More to come on this in the upcoming weeks. Wish me luck.

As for the pic. This is something that I’ve really been focusing on lately the same scene in different conditions. It is kind of a spin off of time lapse stuff. I like the results here.

Other than that not much going on school starts again mañana so I’ll bid you good bye and take care till next time.

Dan.

2012-01-01T22:42:00.004-05:00

Happy New Year!

Ottawa Update 42

Well folks I know that most of you hoped you’d never to see these two words written on this blog but, I’m back.

I spent the better part of the past week sweeping the floors, airing the joint out and cleaning out the cobwebs and it’s looking like a blog again and not an abandoned warehouse. So I think we’re finally ready to post an Update.

First let me say a big Happy New to all and since the world is gonna end at some point over the next 365 let’s all bust our asses to make it a good one. As for me my resolutions they’re fairly simple; the first is to kick even more ass than I usually do in all thing, the second is to stop littering and the third is to get back to blog once a week...or thereabouts. Wish me luck.

Since we last talked I’ve knocked off yet another semester of school, which I did pretty good in. I worked hard, learned a few new things and impressed a few of my teachers. And because they saw something in me (that’s new age type talk) I now find myself spending nearly every day of my four week Christmas vacation making a little journalism of my own at the Ottawa Citizen.

For those of you who don’t know, the Citizen is Ottawa’s most prestigious newspaper (unless of course I get a job at the Ottawa Sun after I graduate...then that will be Ottawa’s most prestigious newspaper.) So I’ve given up my holidays, my personal projects and my family time all to work my ass off writing about car accidents, local lottery winners and weather...for free.

I did go back to college under the impression that was a big fat paycheck waiting for me when I got out into the ‘real world’. I’ll go double check the brochure when I’m done this Update, but hey experience is priceless. And it has been a damn good experience for me.

I’m doing interviews, cutting video and writing fairly substantial pieces in a few hours now. Even a month ago that would have taken this old dawg two weeks to complete. It is amazing what we are capable of when it is go time. At this point I have gotten a front page story, a bunch of business section front pages and lots of tiny fillers. The best is having to call families and friends of the recently dead to get some quotes on someone’s passing. This job has toughened me up too.

While I’m just as broke as ever, I will walk away knowing that I’m good enough to be working at this level and am already looking beyond. Yeah, you National Geographic and you New Yorker and you Penthouse Forum I’ll be writing for all of you in the near future with the same gusto that I’m now putting into these random house fire briefs.

Anyways, 2011 has been an outstanding year as far as developing the skills and abilities I need to get some stuff done. And I’m figuring out more clearly what I’m gonna be doing with my new powers. At times while I was in the middle of 2011 I didn’t always see the development, but at this point I know I couldn’t have worked much harder than I did and that I’ve come a long ways and it was worth it. What more can you ask? Maybe for a paycheck, but that’ll come in time.

Take care all, stay inspired, keep learning and we’ll talk more often in the upcoming years,

Dan.

2011-08-01T12:39:00.003-04:00

Just a hint of what is to come...

Ottawa Update 41

It has been a long time since we spoke, I actually think this may actually be the longest break I’ve ever taken from blogging, and my conscience has been nagging me, so I had to get back to it. And to tell you the truth, I kinda missed you guys a little too. So here I am enjoy me while you can.

So what’s up with me?

While America is spending their way to hell’s door and completely unable to stop, while Somalians are deciding which of their kids to leave behind as they walk hundreds of miles to find something to eat and while Norwegians are blowing each other’s heads off I’m happily hunkered down here in sleepy, safe, predicable old Ottawa doing nothing but taking pictures this summer.

School finished April 28th and after spending May half-heartedly looking for meaningful work, being thoroughly unmotivated to take a ‘job’ doing something that I had no real interest in and that wouldn’t bring me any closer to where I wanted to be I found myself becoming thoroughly depressed. After a month of laying in bed at night cursing myself after yet another directionless, unfulfilling day I went out to shoot a time lapse of Ottawa. I wanted to just get outside, relax a little and feel the old 40D in my hands again. And I think that decision may have changed my life.

Since then I’ve been going out most days for 7-8 hour stretches and I won’t come home unless I’ve got 1000 pics on the memory card. I’m treating it like a job and slowly building up a fairly decent little collection of footage.

There are a bunch of reasons why I’m doing it boredom, to avoid reality just a little longer, to build up my portfolio for when I graduate next summer, but mostly because there is nothing like a healthy dose of regret to get you off your ass and working on something.

Last summer I returned home from Japan all gung-ho to make a short time lapse film of Ottawa. I expected to make a few phone calls, send out a few emails and have the city open its arms to me and give me unlimited access to what ever viewpoint, balcony or rooftop I wanted. Needless to say that didn’t happen and after sending out around 50 emails to various potential locations and after getting only a single ‘no’ in return I gave up...an all too common reaction on my part when adversity walks into the same room as me.

So I kept busy with other stuff, but I spent the school year kinda bummed that I never bothered to shoot anything substantial in the four months I kicked around here. At the same time I was coming to the realization that while Ottawa is an extremely boring place it is also a very pretty town and there is much time lapse potential here.

Secondly, I’m doing this because I believe that in this computer driven world I believe that the future of photography is all about pushing boundaries, moving beyond the traditional and desperately trying to capture people’s attention in this fast moving, ADD world. These days I’m finding that standard photographs are just so 20th century. Cameras with the right software can now do things that were nearly unimaginable 10 years ago and so for me this summer is all about figuring out a few new skills to be able to do offer one or two of those things to prospective employers.

It has given me a purpose, focus and challenge...all be it a very low paying one. The whole experience of doing a time lapse is, for me at least, very peaceful and zen like and can turn me from being in a very bad mood to being in a very good mood. Much of that has to do with the fact that I am outside interacting with new people and places everyday and I am far away from internet, mobile phones and all those other time consuming distractions. You are witness to some cool things that you might never see if you don’t stop, sit in one place and look take it in.

Till this point the weather has been outstanding this summer dry and not too warm, so to sit outside and watch the world scurry around me is most enjoyable. Every photographer will tell you that the key to getting the perfect shot is patience and preparation. Doing this is certainly teaching me that and through all that sitting around I meet some of the most interesting people, which certainly wouldn’t have happened if I had gotten access to those great rooftops and wasn’t standing in the street.

Over and over people stop beside me to talk about the most whack shit you could imagine or just watch the sunset and tell me how they are so busy that they haven’t just stopped and looked at the city or nature around them in years. People are starting to recognize me and stop to say hello. One thing that I’m finding is that girls generally like to talk about artsy stuff and the scene I’m shooting, guys all want to talk about gear and technical stuff, but most amazing is that every time I go out I’m meeting people who are incredibly positive and encouraging about my getting this thing done.

There have of course been a few negative parts of doing this and not everyone I meet is helpful or positive. It is amazing to see the powerful reaction something as simple as a camera can have on people. People will cross the street to avoid getting photographed, they will give me dirty looks and order me to erase any and all pictures I may taken of them. And, best of all, I seem to be a magnet for every security guard and police officer Ottawa has to offer...more on that in a future Update as I think it is worthy of it’s own piece.

The other and more painful problem I’e encountered when photographing things full time is the inevitable destruction of your equipment. On July 17 we had what meteorologists call a microburst here in Ottawa. What that means is sudden winds over 100 km/h and my camera got blown over. So I’m now looking at a broken lens ($1500), broken body ($1000) and broken grip ($300), an empty bank account and no job to cover expenses. However I’m struggling on with what bits and pieces of gear I can cobble together. Ironically it has been kind of a good thing. It seems to have committed me to this project in a new way, because I don’t want to have lost my camera for nothing. But the bigger lesson learned is that your camera and gear are not priceless treasures, but rather tools to be used and are easily replaced. Besides if they break on the job I’d better figure out a way to keep going with what I’ve got with me because no one is going to pay me for giving up on a job.

The scary thing is I’ve been through like four of these microbursts already this summer and I can’t think of more than a few times in my life before that, here in Canada, that wind has actually scared me. Thank you greenhouse effect. Anyways, I’ve been doing time lapses for years on mountains, in winter storms and on the roofs of buildings and going into this project I was kinda assuming that here in Ottawa theft would be the primary way I’d loose my gear not gail force winds.

Finally, doing stuff like this also lets you discover just as much about yourself as it does about your camera. This has been the best part of the experience for me. I’m going after something hard and I’m learning a ton both are things that I love to do. I’m finding that I seem to love completely immersing myself into one thing. Last summer it was writing and experimenting with that this summer is all about photography. I also love doing big, oddball difficult projects (climbing mountains, making movies, and biking across Canada) with all the frustrations that come with them and get easily bored with the small day to day stuff.

As a result, I’m approaching this like I do playing an instrument--I think of an idea, I figure out how to make it a reality then I put in the hours until I get it right. Because of that I’m finding that there has been a change in my photography. The camera is becoming much more like an instrument and not just a tool. Things are now more innate and intuitive and new possibilities are popping into my mind every day.

Most importantly over the past few months something has changed in my head. I’ve been a pretty good shooter for a while, at least I’ve been able to capture my ideas and generally be happy with the results, but now my confidence has grown and I’m wanting to take it to the next level. I want to prove myself to the world. I’m finally looking at this as a realistic way to make money and travel and no longer as just as a pipe dream or a fun little hobby.

Other than that, between photo shoots, I’ve been hanging out with the nieces and nephews, doing small odd jobs here and there and doing a little writing for some local fish wraps to build up some kind of a written portfolio as well.

It is good to be back, but on that note I’ll let you go. Who knows when I’ll see you again, but just know that even though we’re apart I’m having a blast. Take care for now,

Dan.

2011-06-12T22:48:00.003-04:00

There was something about these shots. I don’t know quite what is was, but I felt like they just worked together. I couldn’t really tell you why though.

Ottawa Update 40

Hello all, the summer holidays are here and I’m doing all right. Some days, I’m happy, some days I’m sad, some days, I’m good and some days I’m bad, but few if any days do I feel like doing much writing.

While I submitted two pieces to local papers this week I’m about as inspired to write my nonsensical thoughts down as I am to tell anyone my top secret, world famous bacon and eggs recipe. It’s kinda weird because last year I was loving this blog this year not so much. I’m sure I’ll snap out of it soon. For now enjoy the pics.

Anywhoo, take care and see ya when I see ya.

Dan.

2011-05-29T20:42:00.009-04:00

My babies.

Ottawa Update 39

Okay, okay I’ll be honest with you...none of those are my real babies. In fact the closest of any of them to being my baby is that last one. It is a baby squirrel who’s barely any bigger than an egg and who lives in my yard. He seems to have no parents and is constantly attacked by crows trying to eat him so I have decided to take care of him as long as he poses for pictures.

So why all the kids and why no updating for so long? Well for one school is over and I’m far too busy being unemployed to tell you about the excitment going on around here, but aside from that I was doing stuff over the last few weekends. Two weeks ago I attended the Canadian Association of Journalist’s 2011 conference held here in Ottawa and was happily pointing out to some of the biggest names in Canadian news all the things that they are doing wrong.

Last weekend Hakuba came to Canada. I headed out to Toronto to visit my brother and his kids but also my old buddy Nick. He’s the madman behind both Hakuba Powder Lodge and a three of the cutest kids I know.

Since I haven’t written in a while, since I don’t feel like writing anything now and since most of my audience can’t read, I thought I’d throw down some of my recently acquired photojournalistic skills and string together some kinda theme of my past week. The top two pics are my nephews, the next three are Nick’s kids and the last is Dan Jr. enjoy them, take care and I’ll get back to you next time.

Dan.

2011-05-09T00:10:00.006-04:00

Just a random shot of my nephew being a lifeguard at the beach close to my house. He hated it up there, so even this shot was tough to get, but it kinda works

Ottawa Update 38

Wow, it has been a crazy week and it all kicked off last Sunday when it was decided that Pope Jean Paul II is going to be sainted. Later the same day we find out Bin Laden was ‘taken out’ and on Monday night Canada re-elected a prime minister who models much of his leadership stylings on the Mao Tse-Tung/Kim Il Jung warm father/brave leader school of governance.

So are all these strange, bizarre, somewhat grotesque things related? Yup, we humans need...no we love a story with large than life people doing larger than life things. No mater where we live we see this all around us everyday and we are all more than happy to give up our common sense and for these folks to ‘lead’ us into the great unknown. And apparently Americans love those stories even more when they kill someone in the end.

On that note, let me start this update by giving my deepest congratulations to America on finally getting your man.

Well done boys. Over the last ten years you invaded two countries--one of them completely uninvolved--killed hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians, tortured thousands of others, broke numerous international laws, stripped your own population of many of their most basic civil liberties, created a culture of fear and jingoism in America and essentially bankrupted your country doing it all. I’m sure for all those folks in Times Square and gathered outside the White House screaming “USA, USA,” that sacrificing their children’s futures on this punk was worth every last penny of it. But as we stand here basking in the knowledge that Bin Laden is dead, and surveying the rubble all around us can you just remind me who exactly won this fight again?

Look America, I completely understand that Bin Laden was a bad dude with an evil ideology. He saw himself as a ‘wronged’ people’s savior, he loved the publicity he received and he lived under the deluded belief that he could force his own way of life on others--whether those people wanted no part of it. Bin Laden was responsible for the attack and murder of thousands of innocent civilians around the world and, of course, we all know that he was a rich kid able to do what he did simply because he was born into an uber wealth family.

Hey America, I actually agree with you that Bin Laden should have been hunted down for all those things he did. But let me ask you this justice loving America, who’s next on your list, George W. Bush?

Awkward questions aside, the real issue we must now ask ourselves is, with Bin Laden dead are we safer today? My answer is nope, not even close.

The lifestyles of the Western world, and what that alone does to the earth, causes more damage to the planet and the people, particularly those in the poorest regions, than Bin Laden and his cronies could have possibly done in 100 lifetimes. While knocking off Bin Laden was a nice prize to hang on the mantle, if you guys really want to do the right thing you could make an effort to clean up a few of the ideologues, sociopaths and wackos you have running your own corporations, political offices and churches. Then we can start to talk about ‘historic moments’.

Let’s make no mistake this began long before 9/11. How many poor, innocent civilians has America watched die as they installed and supported the brutal dictators ruling over them or given corporations free run to do as they pleased? There are many, many more Bin Ladens out there and it isn’t the West's freedom they dislike, but our hypocrisy, greed and arrogance that fuels them.

So please America I don’t need to hear what a wonderful day this is. I know you all like to think that you’re hard, tough, sons of bitches and you love this Hollywood crap, but the only thing that killing Bin Laden shows is exactly how any group of people can be lead so far off the track that they can think that a murder of any kind is justified or a solution to a problem.

Just remember America, and no one should understands this better than you, that it is remarkably easy for our leaders to frighten us, convince us to hate and ultimately attack others when it suits them. Bin Laden did it with his crew and your leaders do it with remarkable regularity to you when it suits them. I mean, wasn’t the same people who first told us what an evil dude Bin Laden who then told us to go and invade Iraq?

Raw, unchecked emotion is the most powerful weapon on earth and it is what every politician, religious group and corporation uses to hook us in. And when the public doesn’t bother looking past it for any kind of truth they are quick to buy into it. As citizens of any country it is this misuse of our trust, above all else, that we have to be vigilant against. So to see a group of people, no matter how few the numbers, dancing in the streets and mindless chanting after a governmental assassination is quite unsettling and somewhat ominous.

I understand that we’re all looking for heros who can explain right and wrong to us. Life is tough and we want to surround ourselves with people who justify our beliefs and who we hope can bring us just a little closer some Shangri-La. These feelings are universal and no matter where we’re born all humans want the same thing. However, we should also all be extremely weary when our leaders undertake assassinations based on what they alone consider to be justice. Not only does this cross lines that should be avoided at all costs and make this a possible option for people much closer to home--maybe even you or me--but it is not uncommon to find out that our governments are liars, immoral and very often incorrect.

While nearly all opinion polls may disagree with me, the murder of Bin Laden has saddened me and greatly lowered my opinion of both Obama and America. The key to a truly great leader is the ability to display kindness and justice, even with your enemies. Understandably it is extremely tough to do, but the reward is priceless. Doing so makes you better than they are. I saw none of that in Obama’s dealing with Bin Laden. In fact, the whole thing with its conflicting stories of what actually happened and the shooting of women and children was all very icky.

So America, as I see it, next time you are faced with an issue like this you have two choices. The first is that you can continue to play the cowboy, happily riding around the world, killing as you please. But should you choose to do so you’d best shut your mouths about being the planet’s last bastion democracy or any kind of shining example to the rest of us. The second choice is that you can actually practice just a little of what you preach, fight for justice, give everyone, even the most vial, a fair and open trail to prove their guilt or innocence and earn yourself a little bit of respect in the eyes of others. But I can see that you’ve already made your choice.

Later kids, take care and I’ll be back next week.

Dan.

2011-04-17T23:18:00.004-04:00

A few weeks back we had the biggest full moon seen from earth in 18 years. This is what it looked like from Ottawa behind Parliament Hill. My photoshoping is quick and sloppy, but it’ll do for you guys.

Ottawa Update 37

Let’s kick this Update off with a real funny story. At some point not so long ago, I’d say Septemberish, I figured I’d try to set myself a challenge. Thinking that since in was in J-school, since I had a little spare time to play with, since I see myself as a pretty creative mofo and since I need some kind of personal goals to get anything done I told myself that I would post an Update here for you kids to read every Sunday night for a year no mater what. Funny eh?

Welcome back folks. I realize that I’ve been gone a while, but like the prodigal son I’ve returned with my tail between my legs, my money spent and my pride in tatters. I guess you haven’t seen much of me lately because I’ve been kinda busy, kinda uninspired, kinda lazy and kinda hoping that these things would just write themselves. The results of all those kindas was exactly what you’ve seen over the past month. A whole lot of Buddha...which isn’t such a bad thing.

There are a few milestones that I’ve hit since we last spoke. All of which I’m sure are of marginal interest to anyone but me, but I’ll tell you about them anyways. It was 10 years ago, March 22, 2001, that I got on a plane and hit the road looking for “something more”. Unfortunately, I never found the “more “ I wanted, but I’ve had a damn good ride doing it.

The second anniversary I’m celebrating is that it was one year ago, April 9, 2010, that I came back to Canada. The last year has been interesting, certainly not boring, but a mix of emotions. And while life is pretty sweet for me these days and I know that I’m working towards something, I do miss my old Japo life.

Which brings me to my final milestone. It has been just over a month since the earthquake/tsunami/radioactivity hit Japan. I can only recently watch the footage without breaking down in tears, but I still find what’s going on there gut wrenching in a way that few other news stories have ever been for me.

The people in Japan are the probably the kindest, most generous and happiest people I’ve ever met. In seven years of living there, there was not so much as a bad word said to me by any of them, despite all the terrible things I had to say about them, and all they ever did was go out of their way to ensure that I was well taken care of and happy. There are far, far too many reason to tell you about now, but I adore that place.

As a result, what’s happening there the destruction and the long road they have ahead is heartbreaking to think about. So when I see it on the news I feel such a deep sadness, but I also watch with the knowledge that things will get better. And because of that I also finally realize that I’m getting old. Not physically, I’ve known that for a long time, but emotionally.

Seeing this disaster makes you feel something. It has to. A few years ago it would make me feel angry and find someone to blame, I’d somehow blame it all on the Japanese government. These days this, and other such tragedies, makes me feel sad, but I’m old enough to know that these things happen and they are all part of the big wheel of life. The Japanese survived earthquakes and tsunamis and World War II, and built a better nation afterwards they are a tough people and they’ll do it again.

And on that note I’ll say sayonara and take care, talk to you next week,

Dan.

2011-03-13T22:32:00.003-04:00

What ever this guy is doing I’ll double it and send out to my peeps in Japan.

Ottawa Update 36

Yo, I’m back.

I’ll have to check the Guinness Book of World Records, but I’m almost positive that what has happened since we last spoke was quite possibly the fastest three weeks in all of human history. I can’t believe that time has ever gone by faster than what I’ve just experienced. If I could have one wish in life it would be to gain some kind of understand of how time works and then try figure out a way to use to my advantage.

I’m certainly not doing that now. I am always crazy busy these days and likely wouldn’t be writing you today either, but I just felt I had to after what went down in my beloved little Japan last Friday.

It is no secret to anyone who knows a little about the place, that the four things the Japanese most fear are tsunamis, earthquakes, nuclear fallout (be it from bombs or blown out reactors) and Godzilla type monsters climbing out of the ocean and destroying Tokyo. Now here they have three of the four rolled into one kick ass, yet somewhat tragic, event unfolding minute by minute on our TV screens.

Horrible as it all is, from a purely spectator point of view, you just can’t beat a disaster that happens in a part of the world where every single citizen is always attatched to at least one HiDef camera and loves using them like the Japanese do. There certainly is no shortage of rad new footage coming out of the country. And through it I’m also starting to understand exactly why my mother never let me play with tsunamis in the house. Those things can do some serious damage when pointed in the wrong direction.

I should say that Risa, her family and everyone else I know are all okay. I should also say it’s hard to really put into words exactly how shitty I feel at not being able to be there to help her out in any way at this time.

After talking to people many, many people in Japan this past weekend, I’m slowly discovering that it isn’t so much the horrific events that tsunamis and earthquakes inflicted upon people that causes them the most distress in situations like this. Of course they cause untold hardships, but we can all overcome a single life changing event.

What is the worst is the long term uncertainty that comes along with these events. When people can’t sleep because they don’t know if the next earthquake is going to be the ‘big one’ or if they are too afraid to take an elevator again or if they think that they will never be able to buy food again. It is when all those little things that we do every day and take for granted and never gave much thought to suddenly become almost life and death type decisions that people start to crack.

Anyways, I guess that if this had to happen there really isn’t a better country that this could have happened to than Japan. Japan is rich, they have been preparing for this for decades, they have the US military right there ready and waiting to help out and most importantly they are a peaceful, cooperative, sacrificing people who will beat whatever get thrown at them.

Wow, what a year it’s been! North Africa is in flames, airport bombings in Moscow, New Zealand second biggest city in rubble and half of Japan obliterated. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait for April start.

It is kind of sad that it took an epic disaster like this to get me back here, but then again this whole blog is about my life and till this point there isn’t a much bigger disaster going on anywhere than it is. Till we meet again, take care and don’t ever forget to remeber how lucky you are.

Dan.

2011-02-21T10:00:00.002-05:00

A bird.

Ottawa Update 35

Hello folks, this is your captain speaking and welcome to Dan-O-Mite Airlines. We’ll be flying from Intro to Sign Off today at a maximum cruising speed of 60 words per minute. The the time at our destination is about 20 minutes from now and it’s hot...real hot. So sit back enjoy the trip and we hope you fly Dan-O-Mite again sometime.

It has been a while since we’ve spoken and there’s a good reason for that. No, it isn’t just that I really don’t like you, although that’s a huge part of it, unfortunately, the work has piled up and, like my old man did with me most of his life, I’ve been ignoring you as a result. This term has been much busier than last. In September I was on my game and generally upset about how easy things were throughout the first term, but that changed dramatically on January 10 when we went back.

For the most part we’re getting the same amount of work, but we’ve got the added burden...er, I mean privilege of writing the student paper tacked on top. This involves hunting down stories, getting interviews, submitting stuff and being photo editor requires I give up a lot of time on top of that. Just do yourself a quick internet search of ‘Algonquin Times’ and check it out for yourself. That rag is the very definition of investigative reporting and my fingerprints are all over it. It is nice, but it’s sucking up all my time.

I’m certainly not the only one in class who’s drowning in this sea of newsprint ink, but I’m constantly stunned when I hear that other kids are working 15-20 hours a week on top of school. I guess those are the ones that I have to be nice to, cause I’ll likely be working for them in the very near future. However, it is hard to know exactly why things are tougher this term than last, but for me it be broke down into four basic problems.

I’m disorganized, I’m slow, I live my life in perpetual state of confusion and I’m a perfectionist, possibly to compensate for certain insecurity issues. However, because of all of those I shut down, procrastinate, find solace in the dark corners of the internet and waste enormous amounts of time. There seems to be a direct correlation between the stress in my life and the amount of time I spend watching idiotic college kids dropping heavy things on their gonads online.

Anyways, I kinda knew this would happen going in. Writing what other people tell me to write, in a way that requires following strict rules and guidelines and doing it month after month takes much of fun out of it. Although I’m certainly improving, school is also turning writing from a joy into a job and that kinda sucks. I do suspect that maybe that’s the most important thing I gotta learn if I wanna turn a dime in this biz at some point.

So how do I cope with this extremely difficult student life? I get out a liter of Häagen-Dazs, throw a copy of Titanic into the VCR, dim the lights, fire up some vanilla scented candles and eat through the tears.

On the other hand, the great thing about school is that I do feel like I’m going somewhere. It does give me a clear focus and goals. The teachers and program give me a much needed, albeit temporary, path to follow and a fun ‘timeout’ on this whacky journey of life. It’s kinda nice letting go of things a little and not having to worry about having to figure everything out on my own.

For now I’m on reading week, I think that the Algonquin handbook I received upon enrollment described it as “a week of drunken debauchery and drug fueled mayhem”, personally, I might just use the time to catch up on some work. But whatever I do decide to do, I won’t forget about you my children. Not this week.

Well folks I gotta run, apparently we’ve lost oil pressure in both engines and this Update is going down fast. It doesn't look like there’s any saving this one. I only pray that we hit the ground hard cause I don’t want the world to see me disfigured. Take care, I’ll see you next week...and oh yeah, wear something sluty.

Dan.

2011-02-13T21:51:00.003-05:00

Stick a fork in Mubarak...he’s done.

Ottawa Update 34

Hello folks and welcome back. It’s been so long since I’ve written one of these things that I’m actually a little nervous here. I feel like I’ve almost forgotten how, but because I love all of you so much...I’ll try my very best. However, in order to make up for the inconvenience caused by my not being here there are free soft drinks and cookies and everyone gets 10% off their next visit. Please, help yourself and understand that your business is important to all of us here at the blog.

Folks, I have a confession to make. Till this point in my life when ever I’d find myself in a difficult situation or had to make a tough choice I’d silently ask myself ‘What would Mubarak do?’ and as crazy as it may sound that was what kinda got me through. Let me tell you, my world has been rocked big time by the events of the last few week. I'm lost these days drifting looking for a new hero to emulate and I’m seriously thinking of going with Ahmadinejad.

Ladies and gent, get your ouds out and crank them to 11 cause it’s time to party, Kyro style! Three cheers for Egypt’s youth who are fed up with the shit their parents lived through, three cheers for a good news story finally coming out of the Middle East and, what the heck, three cheers for Mubarak for not unleashing the ‘dogs of hell’ on the protester’s asses. The bad news is that, I somehow think that all this newfound justice and freedom won’t stop those working in Egypt’s tourist biz from scamming every dime they can get out of any tourist who sets foot in the country. But the good news is, they showed us that we didn’t have to turn the whole damn country to rubble for democracy to happen, so it’s all good.

There’s something in the human soul that desires freedom and, watching from afar, it is very cool to have seen what just happened. Back in university I had a professor who swore up and down that it is the sole responsibility of an individual nation to take their fate into their own hands and change things themselves no mater how ruthless the leader might be. My prof always said that foreign invasions never work and this last few weeks seems to have proven that. It was great to see the kids protesting, the ladies taking part and even better was that fact that Sean Penn didn’t show up for this one.

Hopefully this will inspire other countries in the region to do the same and establish representational, or at the very least somewhat improved, governments. Even more, I hope it will inspire folks over here to do the same with ours. Or, see that they can maybe do something productive with their time beyond shopping and posting on their facebook walls every 10 minutes.

This really is an amazing moment and although there are those around here who fear fundamentalist or military regimes, I know there will only be good for the region and for the people as a result. The more any people get to determine their own futures the better. And what we saw was the people deciding that they didn’t like injustices imposed upon them. I suspect that goes for whoever is going to be calling the shots next.

Anyways, congrats Egypt, you’ve gone and made me feel warm and fuzzy all over...and that don’t happen too often. I hope the future lives up to your democratic dreams and expectations. Just a quick word to the wise, your best chance at having that actually happen is for you to not let that freedom loving duo of America and Great Britain get too involved in any of this and screw this all up for you. Don’t forget that Mubarak was one of ours.

Best of all this is convincing me that journalism ain’t a bad gig when/if you get to cover stuff like this. The whole time this stuff was going on I just wanted to hop on a plane and head over there to report about it.

Speaking of which, it has been a busy few weeks down at the newsroom in Ottawa’s finest college. School has been very busy for me since January...a good busy though. We got lots more stuff going on and way more stuff due every week. I’d say that my work load has at least doubled. But it’s fine because the pieces are finally starting to come together and I’m realizing that I am getting educated and I actually do like doing a lot of this stuff.

But more on that later, this Update much like the city I presently inhabit, has no pulse what so ever, so I’m gonna tag it and bag it and call it a night. Take care and praise be to Allha,

Dan.

2011-02-01T19:12:00.003-05:00

I call this photo Three Cups Full of Nothing...and that’s exactly what I have for you here this week.

Ottawa Memo 33

The semester one party is over and I have been busy as hell these past few weeks. Sadly, in order to maintain my D- average, you are the folks that I’m screwing over.

As this post meets so few of the minimum requirements needed, it cannot be granted the official title of Update and has been reduced to the lower rank of Memo. Hopefully this is a temporary change. If not you should be happy with whatever scraps I throw you.

Please know that I am still alive and writing...just not for you.

Take care,

Dan.

2011-01-23T23:27:00.002-05:00

Well folks, I’m slowly finding out that I’m no Superman...or even Clark Kent.

Ottawa Update 32

Well folks, as promised, I’m back but I have some bad news for you. My work load for this term has more than doubled and that means my confusion level about what the hell’s going on has gone up about ten times that. Hey, I actually managed to somehow get an F on a scavenger hunt this week.

Since there is nothing substantial here for you to read I will assign James Joyce’s Finnegans Wake, William Thackeray’s Pendennis and Karl Marx’s Das Capital. For all you extra motivated people out there bonus marks will be given to all who complete Kazuo Ishiguro The Unconsoled. I realize thees books, if you could even call them that, are all kinda lightweight compared to what I give you on a weekly basis, but if you go in with a positive attitude you just might learn something from one or two of them.

On that note, take care and see you next week,

Dan.

2011-01-16T22:33:00.005-05:00

Ottawa Update 31

(An open letter to future generations.)

As I write this on January 16, 2011 I don’t know who will ever read this, or if anyone can possibly survive the horror we are presently living through. But if anyone has, I’m sure that I and much of the once glorious world you now inhabit will be dead.

We, those who didn’t survive, are the lucky ones. We are the ones who reaped all the benefits this planet had to offer and lived a life of comfort and wealth. You, those left behind, are the cursed. You are the unfortunate who have been condemned to a desperate life of suffering and misery.

For the past 65 million years we’ve had a real nice thing going. In that time this small rock we live on slowly developed a mind-boggling variety of life and geography. Aside from the occasional asteroid crash, our planet remained a perfectly balanced organism happily floating through an infinite universe. It was bountiful and it took care of the creatures upon it. And then at some point, about 150 thousand years ago, Homo sapiens showed up.

In a shockingly brief time we came, we saw and we conquered and with our successes came astounding feats. Humans created works of indescribable beauty, we climbed the highest peaks and studied the ocean’s depths. We created science and unlocked the fantastical secrets of the universe and through religion we delved into man’s very soul as we came to terms with our spiritual side that taught us to love and appreciate all forms of life.

But as our successes multiplied so did our pride. Despite achieving such dizzying heights, and learning so much, we were undone by the laziness, ignorance, greed and selfishness that came with our newfound and unrivaled dominance of the globe. Yes, it was these same forces that drove us to the top of the animal kingdom. But while we were part of the animal kingdom our desperate fight for survival kept these evils largely in check.

Ironically, looking back now, these seemingly insignificant quirks of humanity were far more powerful than all the weaponry and knowledge we ever amassed. Unable to control them they grew stronger and stronger twisting and skewering our perspective. Rather than things to be resisted they became benchmarks for us and goals to be strived for. They continued to grow and became the measure of success. What we couldn’t see was that they divided us, pitted us against each other and left us alone and defenseless. In the end, these evils promised wondrous things, but brought only emptiness and ultimately our very extinction.

In our quest for happiness humans gave up their dignity and ability to care for one another. We traded any deeper connection to the planet we live on for a few material possessions and through it all a small handful of people were able to gain control of everything and everyone. They became our heros and our masters.

As I write this the decadence goes on. Global temperatures are rising, countless wars rage, the rich become richer and we are continually taught fulfillment is gained through consumption. I have no way of accurately predicting when and where it will all end, but it won’t be long anymore. One hundred, maybe two hundred years, but not more. Avoiding the truth we carry on in the same way we always have despite the fact that we can all clearly see the writing on the wall.

Each and every one of us could have done much, much more than we did. Yet we ignored and ridiculed the many prophets sent to warn and teach us how to avert this catastrophe. We knew throughout that what we were doing was irreversible and too horrible to think about, but we were too weak to change our ways. While the great martyrs of human history suffered died for what they believed in, we ate, shopped and entertained ourselves to death and left the suffering for you.

When I think about what senselessness ruined it all I don’t know whether to laugh or cry? All I can do is apologize. I don’t know if you, looking back on how we acted, can ever forgive us for what we have done, but I am deeply sorry that in less than 10 generations of human life millions of years of this planet’s evolution have been destroyed. I am sorry for leaving behind a toxic, dying world for you to clean up. I am sorry that the only excuse we have to offer you was that we couldn’t control ourselves in the slightest when we clearly knew we had to.

On a more personal note, I am sorry that I was not stronger in doing my share to better care for things. Although I tried, I too fell far short of the of the mark. Throughout my life, I was repeatedly shown that one man can make an enormous difference, yet my small attempts were not enough and I will forever live with the regret of not doing more. I can only hope that by the time that you read this I and all who lived with me are all burning in hell because of our complete disregard for God’s once wondrous creation.

So for whatever it’s worth I’m sorry. I will fight on until my last breath, but I don’t know how much longer I or the people of earth will last. If anyone is still out there heed the lessons of the past and avoid the traps we fell into. For now take care and good luck,

Dan.

2011-01-09T22:15:00.004-05:00

Everyone meet my niece, Kate. This is what Christmas does to me too.

Ottawa Update 30

You yo, yo! Since I’ve banked enough holidays and because I loose them if I don’t use them, I thought I’d take a sweet two weeks vacation from blogging. Besides since I did so much writing in 2010, both in school and on my own, I found that was just totally burned out, so I walked away. But fear not, like that itchy, scabby rash you picked up on your last vacation to the red light district of Bangkok, I’m back again and nastier than ever.

Although I personally don’t celebrate the December 31st holiday I’ll be gracious and wish you all a Happy New Year. I don’t mean to rain on your parade, but lot of people don’t know that New Years is a completely fabricated event created in the early 1930s by the American greeting card industry. The thinking behind it was that they needed something to fill the long void between the more traditional holidays of Halloween and Valentines day. But it was also hoped to be a much needed celebration raising the spirits of those millions of impoverished Americans struggling through the Great Depression at the time.

A number of holiday concepts were conceived off, but in the end it was the ‘New Year’ concept. What they didn’t plan on was the outbreak of the war in 1939 that would bring millions of American soldiers along with their traditions, both old and new, over to Europe and by 1945 New Years Eve had become the global phenomena that it is today. Soon clocks, calendars and Champagne were invented to go along with the all night parties.

Speaking of all night parties, my New Year’s resolutions are a little different this year than the usual ones I toss out. This year they are, in no particular order, to become a bigger ass hole, burry myself under far greater personal debt and sweat way, way more of the small stuff...oh, yeah and go on a diet.

I gotta diet because this year my special gift from Santa was about 15 pounds of blubber hanging off my gut. As I write this my bloodstream is so polluted with fats, sugars and alcohol that the Ganges looks pure in comparison. In all seriousness I with the amount of crap I’ve jammed into my pie hole over the last few weeks I should probably be dead right now, and based on how I’m feeling I kinda want to be.

Like an ancient Greek tragedy fate has turned me into the very same ‘tub of lard’ that I used to call the fat kids back in elementary school. It’s all gotten so bad that I went for a bike ride the other day and a couple dozen pedal strokes in I was panting like some kind of a brachycephalic dog.

Being a Canadian, I have always understood that as a white, middle-class, first-world citizens it’s my God given right that I can eat whatever man-made, processed, unnatural foods that I want at the most irregular times possible, in enormous quantities and never gain an ounce of fat. I think that’s in the constitution. Should fatness somehow occur, I also expect that a government funded pill or surgical procedure should be immediately made available to me to ‘make it stop’.

Sadly, in just a few short years, mostly in during 2010 with unlimited access to a fridge full of unhealthy foods, I’ve gone from looking like Michelangelo’s David to the Pillsbury dough boy...except I giggle a lot less. However, my once hard, chiseled bod has gone from a once proud 18-year-old’s, that could take anything I put it through and bounce back after a 20 minute nap, to a 38-year-old embarrassment that is just looking for the smallest reason to break down and stop working for good.

School’s starts tomorrow and all I gotta say is hallelujah. I mean enough with the time off already. At more than three weeks my Christmas holidays were way, way too long. No doubt the other kids would probably argue with me, they likely hung with their friends, reunited with family, traveled to cool places and had many wonderful new experiences. I didn’t. I read a few books, tinkered with some photoshop stuff, cleaned the house, but mostly I just sat around staring at the calendar and waiting for school to come and save me from myself.

I guess over all it wasn’t that bad, but as always it just feels like there was nothing really accomplished. Then again I’d have to say that I’m a glass half empty kinda guy and I seem to constantly sit around looking at all the things I haven’t done rather than the things have. No doubt that an insecure, malcontent like me has got to be an advertiser’s dream--an unhappy dude ready to buy anything to just make the boredom stop for even five minutes.

Well folks, I’m gonna have to pack this one in, diabetes, cancer and heart disease are all standing on my front door right now and asking my mom if I’m allowed to come out and play. She gonna send me out so I gotta go. Take care and I’ll talk to you next week.

Dan.

2010-12-20T11:39:00.000-05:00

Ottawa Update 29

Well folks, exams are done, the students have been sent home and teacher have all been put back in their boxes until next January. Term one is over, so I guess that means I’m officially 25% journalist. Respectable as that may sound, it’s not quite enough to land me that gushy New York Times job I’ve had my eye on. However, from what I’ve read it would have been more than enough to have had me sent to a concentration camp in Nazi Germany.

Over all, school was different than I expected. Not better or worse, just different. Originally I think I was kinda disappointed with things, but then again any expectations I had going in were based on...nothing really. For the most part, my ideas were more like some abstract kind of concept that I would be mercilessly trained to become a journalist in the vaguely same way that NASA trains their astronauts. That didn’t happen, and although things could have been a little better in some cases it was generally pretty good. I would say that I’m a little smarter now and a little better at putting pen to paper than I was in September. Although, I was pretty damn good goin’ in.

What I am getting is time to work hard at a whole bunch of different things and mentors who can help me out a little while I’m doing it. Who could really ask for any more? I’m working on stuff both inside and outside of school and most of it on my own time. I guess at some point over the last month or two I realized I gotta stop thinking about the millions of things that I’m not getting at college, focus more on what I am and fill the holes on my own. Ultimately, whatever we accomplish in life is up to us and not because of teachers, family, coaches or bosses. So I’m pushing things as far as I can to try and position myself as best as I can for when I re-enter society in 2012.

The one slightly odd side effect of doing nothing but writing, as has been the case over the last few months, is that I don’t really want to do any writing right now. It kinda burns you out, or at least the stuff they ask me to do bores the hell outta me. However at this point writing is the basket where all my eggs are, so write I must. Besides, the public needs me, and just like Mr. Assange I see it as my God-given duty to always give the public what they want.

Now that the first term of school is over I have in my possession three full weeks with which I can do what ever I like. That’s assuming it doesn't involve spending any money or bothering people who are bigger or tougher than me. As wonderful as that may sound, there is one problem. Perhaps it’s the ADD, perhaps it’s the Calvinist teachings I’ve been indoctrinated with or maybe it’s just the wonders of the internet, most likely a combination of all of the above, but for whatever reason time off and I have never been the best combination. Or maybe we’ve gotten along a little too well. Either way, till now when I find myself staring at a calendar with long stretches of non-structure, I’ll often find myself feeling guilt ridden, pissed off and used at the end of it rather than relaxed, happy and fulfilled.

The reason for this is that I inevitably fail to accomplish any of my grandiose plans and deny myself all kinds of wonderful opportunities that come up in the process. So this year I won’t try to write the great Canadian novel, or film an award winning flick. I’m slowly filling up the time with more of the same kinds of things that I’ve been doing over much of the past year. Slow steady movement towards achievable goals that keep the educational ball rolling towards some unknown but glorious future.

I don’t know about you guys, but so far this Christmas is a total dud as far as feelings of warmth, happiness and nostalgia go. I had some of it goin’ on in every December Japan, but ironically over here not so much now that I’m back. I don’t know why, but it could be because I haven’t been to a mall in months, I haven’t turned on the TV to watch a TV show much less some stale, old recycled Christmas flick from 1950s and it could be because we just got our tree up a few days ago. For what ever reason I’m just not feeling it.

That may change this week as the family gets together and hangs out celebrating both my folk’s 45th wedding anniversary and 2010th coming of Santa. We’re throwing a wrench into things because rather than doing the same old boring gift exchange we’re renting a cottage somewhere in the frozen northern tundra of Canada’s wilderness and I guess we’ll do a ton of Coureur des bois type stuff. The others may think this as exciting and adventurous, but all I can think of is The Shining. If I haven’t updated by this time next week call the cops.

Finally, this week’s pic is my latest triumph. I somehow weaseled my way into the Library of Parliament, camera in tow, and fired off a few hundred shots of old Viki. It really is a cool place, a circular room surrounded by 3 stories of books all of which have to do with parliamentary procedure and Canadian law. The whole complex is said to be one of North America’s very best examples of Neo-Gothic architecture and after having spent so much time inside the buildings over the last month my feeling is that it’s all very 19th century 50% romantic and Keatsian but also 50% creepy and Jack the Ripperish.

And on that note take care and have a very Merry Christmas everyone,

Dan.

2010-12-13T09:17:00.002-05:00

It was thirty years ago today, John Lennon was blown away...

Thanks for the tunes, R.I.P. little buddy.

Ottawa Update 28

Busy, bored and bummed. Okay not very bummed, but I like alliteration. I had a some stuff due today, and exams this week. So, no Update for you!

Take care and talk to you next week.

Dan.

2010-12-06T08:21:00.001-05:00

One day people will build stuff like this to commemorate me.

Ottawa Update 27

Folks, welcome to the party but before you go paying any cover chages let me warn you this is Update gonna be L & F. Meaning, light and fluffy. Partially out of disinterest, partially out of busyness, mostly out of restlessness I’m just not ‘into it’ today.

Isn’t life’s messed up? When I was working a full-time job all wanted was to be back in school, now that I’m back in school (and poor, almost) all I want is to be back working. The only consistent thing about me is that no mater where I find myself it always seems to be the very place that I don’t wanna be. I guess when you’re in the middle of stuff you never really know what the hell the point of it all is or whether or not the ends really are gonna justify the means. Ah consequentialism, you truly are a bastard. Now don’t get me wrong, school’s fun, I am a little smarter now than I was a few months ago and the kids are great, but no mater what I do I always seem to be asking myself why. And often get a little carried away with it when I do.

Now that the bad news is out of the way, I’ll let you all congratulate me, I finally have a credit card...and am not afraid to use it. Well, to be honest with you, I’m actually terrified of the thing. Or more accurately I’m terrified of my potential lack of self control with it. Camera gear, ski gear, plane tickets, designer clothes and online porn are just a few of the evils now tempting me with their empty promises of power and glory. Because of that, I now have the card sitting in a drawer where it isn’t immediately available to my all powerful emotional side.

The only reason I picked one up is because everyone keeps telling me that I need to build up a credit rating. The fact that I have no debt, never have, pay my own way, cover all my bills in cash on the spot apparently means nothing with regards to borrowing money. Bankers seem to prefer people that can’t pay there bills, only pay back the minimum and get buried under enormous debt. Well, no doubt with a credit card I’ll quickly acquire that kind of debt and then get all the money I like.

One of the joys of the journalism is the one photography course I’m taking. It really ain’t much, but this week’s assignment was to hang out down town, take pictures of strangers and include their names. We were told to shoot newspaper ‘streeter’ type stuff. Now that I’m done, I’m finding that the project was a revelation on a number of levels.

One thing that you gotta know about me is that I generally abhor any and all people. What this means is that going out of my way to take shots of them is not something that I’ve ever done before. In fact, I’ll sit for extremely long periods of time with my camera waiting for, or asking, all people get out of my way before I take a shot.

Now, I’ve always known that if you want to become a travel photog roughly 75% of all shots that magazines want are people. Sure, they’ll throw in a mountain shot, or a beach shot, or a bird shot, but what they really want are foreign people doing foreign things. Lots and lots of em’. Hell, check out any ad and it’s the same. Happy people and smiling faces. They say humans are hardwired for the narrative and nothing tells us a story better than another human being. So I knew there was no escaping it and that at some point I’d have to change my evil ways, be like Peter Parker and find me a shot of my own elusive Spiderman.

This week we had this assignment to wander the streets and photograph dozens of strangers and know what? People pics are kinda cool. Strangers are fun to talk to but even better the pictures are great. I find that I just keep looking at them over and over in a way that I don’t look at other non-people shots. Of course I’ve got lots of shots of family and friends, but strangers are a little different because when you see them you’re always looking for clues to who they are from in the lines in their faces and the clothes they wear and how they stand. It’s all kinda cool.

On a somewhat related note, I fought, I lied, I cheated, I bribed and I slept my way to the top. And because of it I’m the latest in a long line of brilliant and talented photo editors of the Algonquin Times. Okay, okay it’s just the student rag at college, but this is the first step. The first step on my way to world domination. Anyway, as for this week’s picture, despite my photography class, I found I’m not taking enough pictures lately. So I’ve been forcing myself up and off to some exoctic Ottawa local. This week Notre-Dame Cathedral for a peopleless photoshoot. Enjoy.

See, I told ya this Update was gonna be lame-o. Talk to you next week, take care, be good and don’t go doing anything I wouldn’t.

Dan.

2010-11-29T08:15:00.002-05:00

There is absolutely no reason for this shot, but it's kinda purdy.

Ottawa Update 26

Ladies and gentleman welcome back and this week’s topic is the Ottawa Police. They are a rugged collection of the finest, bravest, strongest, best trained men and women our city can find. We puts them through rigorous training and after that only the very best are selected to maintain law and order. These chosen few, before becoming officers, then swear an oath committing themselves to serving and protecting the citizens of this fair city. Once on the job the police must be ever vigilant because lurking around every corner are evil doers who must be thrown in jail. Criminals such as rapists, killers, robbers, gangsters and worst of all innocent civilians. I don’ know about you guys, but after all the shit that’s gone down this week, I’m thinking we here in Ottawa should be gettin’ us a new police force to protect us from the one we’re stuck with now.

So here’s the story, at some point in 2008 a 25-year-old girl minding her own business was walking home from a party. Out of the blue a few of our fearless officers questioned her for no reason, arrested her for no reason, kicked the shit out of her at the station for no reason, cut her clothes off her with a pair of scissors for no reason and finally threw her in jail for no reason. Throughout it all other cops matter-of-factly walked around the joint like it was all the most natural thing and no one called her a lawyer. To cover their asses they had this poor girl brought to trial for some trumped up ‘intoxication’ and ‘public mischief’ charges which the judge laughed out of court this week. Oh yeah, one more thing. She was black and all the cops were white. Much as we’d all like to, we can’t totally overlook that little detail.

The excuses and justifications are already oozing out of the Abu Gharib...er, I mean the Ottawa Police Station. You know the standard ‘long hours’, ‘tough job’, ‘resisting arrest’ type stuff that cops are always pulling out when they cut corners. To which my response would be if your job is so difficult then do us all a favor and quit. I’ve heard mall security is substantially less demanding. Just what ever you do please don’t stay on ‘doing’ such an important job if you can’t handle it. You’re only causing all kinds of trouble for everyone else to deal with. Besides, I’ve worked long hours, in stressful jobs and never ended up beating up a girl because of it.

But even worse than the cops’ excuses is the fact that there are actually people in Ottawa who are defending the police’s actions. They say that the police do the dirty work no one else wants to do and we don’t know the whole story so we should give the police the benefit of the doubt until truth comes out. Well, we wouldn’t even be in this mess if the coppers had just extended the same courtesy to this girl in the first place.

While some in the public may not, I’ll happily “rush to judgment” on this one. The video doesn’t look good because...it isn’t good. It was a very bad thing they did no mater what came before or what happened after. Even if this girl was a mass murder or pedophile she shouldn’t have been treated that way. I also know that these same cops wouldn’t have acted this way if this situation happened to occur live on national TV.

Here’s the thing, a few of my friends and I are perfectly capable of walking the streets, beating chicks up and cutting their clothes off...and we’d do it for half the price. We don’t need cops to do that for us. In fact, just in case there is any confusion, the citizens of Ottawa are paying the police specifically NOT to do that stuff while dealing with these delicate situations. If either the cops or the public can somehow justify what happened then I can’t wait till one of these cowboys get picked up for committing the horrible crime of walking home with a beer or two in them. Better yet let’s see how they feel after this happens to their mothers, wives, sisters, nieces or daughters. They might not be quite so conciliatory after that.

Never the less, there’s a lot more to this issue than this one girl. As things stand right now Canada’s prison’s are filled with an incredibly high proportion of natives. I have no doubt that a whole lot of em are doin’ hard time because they had a few, and were unlucky enough to be non-white, yet weren’t quite lucky enough to have a camera running to back up their claims of police brutally.

There is of course a police inquiry going on. At the end of which, these pigs are pretty most likely to get off with a slap on the wrist. They’ll then be back to their little power trips, only from now on they’ll know they gotta do their business where the cameras won’t leave any evidence behind. If Ottawa’s ‘tough on crime’ Chief of Police wants to salvage any sherd of respect for himself or his little band of thugs he’d better string these clowns up and make an example of them. He certainly doesn’t do himself or us any favors by keeping them on. What the chief has to understand is that the punishment he dishes out is not only to the ones who got caught. It’s to the ones who haven’t been caught and and are currently doing this stuff. I can’t believe that I’m even writing this, but every police has got to know unequivocally that this nonsense is wrong. To accomplish this the penalties must be so serious that doing anything like it won’t ever be considered by any of them again.

This incident was wrong on so many levels, but for me the the biggest is that the police tell us to trust them and they pull this shit in return. What I saw was truly vile and watching it turned my stomach. That poor girl must have felt so completely alone and helpless while all this was happening to her...by the very people sworn with protecting her from this kinda stuff. So the chief has to ask, did these jack offs not become police officers to fight for truth and justice? If the answer is no get rid of them. If the answer is yes, then they aren’t doing a very good job and get rid of them.

Like I said last week, if anyone could actually figure out what the hell I was saying, it’s all about the legal exfoliation. You start climbing up that ladder, the rules start mattering less and less and you start think your shit don’t stink anymore. One day you go too far, you get caught and you start telling everyone how your a victim. Listen, don’t get me wrong, there might actually still be a good cop or two in Ottawa. Although, seeing as not one of them has come out saying anything against any of this I’ve got my reservations. Doing the right thing takes courage and character and there isn’t much of that going on down at the station.

Then again I might be wrong. If I had to boil down my biggest character flaw down to one single thing it would be the fact that I’m somewhat of an idealist. Unfortunately I’ve never quite been able to shake it, and believe me I’ve tried. Aside from this blog, I have high standards for how I live my life and I expect the same from people around me. Trying to live a decent life generally means self-sacrifice and I get pissed when I’m sacrificing my little heart out but others aren’t.

Because of this I have a particular hatred for people who stand up in front of society claiming to be some kind of moral compass for the rest of us to follow and who then go and happily break the rules they preach when they think we’re not looking. Republicans and Catholic priests are perhaps the best recent examples, but teachers, judges or in this case cops can easily stir the same emotions. On the other hand I have a truly deep respect for those who can actually pull it off. Folks like Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King Jr., Nelson Mandela are my heros.

On that note I’ll say goodbye and I pray that I don’t go get speeding ticket this week, cause I’ll loose it on the dude who pulls me over. Take care and see you round.

Dan.

2010-11-21T23:39:00.001-05:00

It ain’t exactly Harry Potter, but a whole lot of fantasy and make belief goes on here too.

The view from the front door of Canada’s Parliament buildings.

Ottawa Update 25

Welcome back to the laboratory and I’ll be your mad scientist for the day. Recently, I’ve developed such a concoction of poor grammar and nastiness that no one but the few who’ve spent years building up a tolerance to can survive it. Unless I get one billion dollars, I’ll be unleashing a death and destruction upon you and all other innocent citizens of your planet. Unlike the movies there is no super hero, or renegade cop that can save you from your horrible fate.

Hello folks, I hope all is well with all of you...what’s that? Some of you are feeling a little blue lately? You’re feeling like life sucks and that you’re not where you wanted to be at this point in your life? Most people feeling this way generally shuffle off to a shrink, bear their souls and take out a second mortgage on their house just to pay for it. What’s worse is the results are questionable. But fear not old Dan has a much better, much cheaper ‘pick me up’.

Go put on your best black suit, get yourself down to your local court house and quietly slip in the back door. That’s it, it’s completely free and most importantly it’s pretty damn effective. Nearly any case will do and I’m sure you’ll feel better almost immediately. I know this because this was courtroom reporting week down at Algonquin.

We had to go to our local court house and write a newspaper style report on some case. So I packed up my pen and notebook, jumped on my bicycle and entered a world that was pretty freaky. I don’t know about where you guys live, but here in Canada these things are free, open to the public and there’s no better form of entertainment that I know of. TV and movies are okay, but this stuff is mesmerizing because it’s real and going on right in front of you.

What you’ll find are the forgotten, the outcasts, and the weakest of society paraded before you and it’s all kinda heartbreaking. The first case I sat in on was some 47 year old druggie who’d been on the wagon since 2000, but in 2008 his mother died, at some point since his brother was also murdered and he’d lost it. He never hurt anyone, he was charged with petty crime, stealing tips off restaurant tables, breaking parole and stuff like that. The guy was $ 45,000 in debt, couldn’t hold down a job and he was doing nothing but getting himself in trouble. They decided to reconvene next week.

The next case a man who’s home, a “known drug trafficking site”, was invaded by the police SWAT Team. He lived there with his family including 5 kids, 3-17 years old, who are all now traumatized by the event. The guy was on disability and was busted for having a whooping 2.1 grams of marijuana in the apartment. That’s about $28 “street value”. He had to pay a $ 125 fine, promise he would quit doing drugs and was released.

The third case was a little different, a drunk guy guy who punched a bus driver...who was driving a bus at the time. The fourth case was a guy who was release because the eye witness who testified against him turned out to have been in a different town at the time of the crime. What I learned is that, much like on TV, court room drama is pretty gripping stuff. Even all these little 45 minute trials I saw kind of get you hooked and you get pretty excited about seeing how the judge is gonna decide these things.

There were two lessons that I took from my day at court. The first is that it only one second to mess up your life pretty good. Nine times out of ten that happens because of poor judgment and nine times out of ten poor judgement is due to drugs or alcohol. The result is that I think I’ve become a prohibitionist. Or maybe I’ve always been one, but now I’ve decided to come out of the closet about it. No biggie for me since I don’t drink and I don’t really see the point of booze or drugs when there are cool things like skis, surfboards and mountain bikes that do a much better job of altering one’s state of mind.

The second thing I learned is that it’s generally the poorest and visible minorities, who end up standing in front a judge. Granted five cases a pretty small cross section to make a statement like this on, but I’ve seen the news and seen the stats that Canadian prisons are jam packed with Natives. I put this down to a theory that I’ve been turning around in my little brain that I’ve termed ‘Legal Exfoliation’.

For those of you who don’t know, exfoliation is a geological process that occurs when densely compressed rock buried deep inside the earth is brought to the surface. Without the pressure on it these rocks decompress and are freed up to break off the mother rock and go where they please. Society is in many was very similar to this.

Those who live at the bottom of any social hierarchy have the entire weight of the system on them. Everyone above them makes damn sure that the people below them can’t move an inch. They are always the problem and if you’re on the bottom you have the fewest options, you have the least money (to fight a court case), you get charged with more things and you often go to prison for very stupid little things. The pressure slowly decrease on the middle class and at the top of society there are a whole group of folks who have nearly no pressure/rules on them what so ever. These people are your Hollywood starlets, pro athletes, politicians and businessmen who get tenth and eleventh chances at messing up or never even go to court. I certainly can’t remember the last time a SWAT Team invaded Paris Hilton’s house.

Look, I know that the good folks I saw at court aren’t saints, they gotta to take responsibility for themselves and keep their noses clean. They don’t look like they have any mental or physical to deficiencies that would stop them from living a good life. They don’t even look that scary or evil. The tragedy is that most are folks who’ve just slipped through the cracks or never gotten a chance. I guess they are what happens once you loose hope or belief in yourself. Who knows? All I can tell you for sure right now I’m totally looking forward to my first arrest cause court is F-U-N.

This week was also cool because I was somehow allowed to pinch, prod and photograph Canada’s Parliament Buildings any way I desired. I was down there a few weeks ago to get some shots for a photography assignment and asked them what it would take for me to get a permit to work the place a little more extensively. People were called, names were dropped and remarkably access was granted. So friday night at 5 p.m. after everyone was gone I was given free run of the place. Sadly for me the best pictures I got were this one that is from the front steps and one I could have taken any time I like.

Finally, I read today that Ireland is debt ridden. They’re thinking of defaulting and devaluing, or trying some other desperate Banana Republics type thing. This is, of course, shitty news for everyone living there except for one person. I would think that Bono is pretty happy as he can quit worrying about trying to save Africa. He can now start asking first world leaders to forgive Ireland’s debt. The guy can finally start work a little closer to home, I'm sure those previous commute times must have been a killer.

Okay, okay, I’m done. As always it was good to talk and take care, I’ll talk to you guys next week...I’m hanging up now...I’m hanging up....now...no you hang up...nooooo, you hang up first...I’m not going to hang up till you hang...I know your still there....I can hear you breathing...I’m gonna a go now...seriously...okay bye (dial tone).

Dan.

2010-11-14T23:31:00.000-05:00

The horror...the horror...

Ottawa Update 24

On March 3, 1969 the United States Navy established an elite school for the top one percent of its bloggers. Its purpose was to teach the lost art of literary combat and to insure that the handful of men who graduated were the best bloggers in the world. They succeeded. Today, the Navy calls it Blogger Weapons School. The Bloggers call it: TOP GUN...

Welcome to the blog that fun forgot, the blog that puts the unk back in junk and the blog that makes about as much sense as the final showdown from the movie Top Gun. For those of you unfamiliar with the film, in one of the most incoherent, worst edited pieces of movie making ever projected onto the silver screen, the star, Maverick, overcomes his crisis of confidence, fights off half a dozen MiGs and saves the rest of his squad members who are screaming for help like little school girls.

Much like the film, we here at the blog have lots of fancy words whizzing around at supersonic speeds that don’t make much sense either. Sadly, unlike any movie the protagonist of this blog looks much closer to a Les Grossman than he ever did to a Maverick, he will probably not overcome his crisis of confidence and he will likely never experience the simple joy of killing another human being. But most tragically he will never have Kenny Loggins write a kick ass theme song that will be blaring in the background while he does cool manly type shit. However, I’ll soldier on without any of them because, to quote another ‘80s classic, I’ve come here to chew bubble gum and kick ass...and I’m all out of bubble gum.

Unfortunately for me the Fs are flying around Algonquin’s Journo Program like a squadron of bogeys somewhere over the Indian Ocean. And they’ve all got me in their radar lock. I’ve now gotten my third one, this time cause I spelled the name ‘Lloyd’ as ‘Llyod’. Oops, que sera sera...no one ever said that trying to educating me would be a pretty thing. But rather than look at it as a negative I’m happy to tell you that I’ve turned sloppiness into an art form. There is, of course, no need to tell any of you that I’m a pretty crappy writer. I’ve got a few ideas, but as far as delivering them I don’t have a clue how to do it, I just kinda make it all up as I go. Mistakes, cutting corners and inaccuracies are my strengths not my weaknesses and that’s how I’m looking at this.

Other than that it’s been a relatively quiet news week. Gangland slayings in the mean streets of Montreal, the Canadian government extending our mission in the ‘Stan’, but I think the biggest news is that G.W. finally released his long awaited memoir. In stores now, just in time for Christmas. And of all the shit the dude pulled, of all the laws he broke, of all he horrendous pain and suffering he caused to millions around the world and in America, his worst moment in office was hearing a rapper, Kanye West, saying that “George Bush doesn’t care about black people.”

This week the Prez responded by saying, “I didn’t appreciate it then and I don’t appreciate it now. It’s one thing to say I don’t appreciate the way this man’s handling his business, it’s another thing to say this man’s a racist. I resent it, it’s not true and it was one of the most disgusting moments of my presidency.”

Let’s quickly review. In 5 years as Governor of Texas, Bush a born again Christian, had 131 people put to death. While in the President’s office Bush destroyed the nation’s economy, he deregulated everything he could get his hands on and he lost 6 million manufacturing jobs to China. He invaded an innocent nation based on ‘gut feelings’ and he okayed the releasing of a CIA agent’s name’s who opposed the invasion of Iraq. He couldn’t find an old man hiding in a cave in Afghanistan, he held P.O.W.s without charges in Guantanamo and his army sexually abused and tortured thousands of innocent people. He unleashed the FBI and CIA on all Americans and He couldn’t figure out how to get a few rubber dinghies with food and water to the folks dying at the New Orleans Superdome, he was at rock bottom in the polls before he left and worse than all of that was he was he was a cocky little punk throughout. Was there even anything positive the guy did accomplish? But at the end of it all what Kanye said was “the most disgusting.”

I’m sorry guys this Update is too much, I’m disengaging....

(The rag tag collection of other bloggers in the room glance at each other nervously. They desperately try to continue the Update unsupported and quietly pray for a miracle. “It’s no good,” Dan says as he walks over to a corner clutching the dog tags of his recently deceased best friend and co-blogger. “Talk to me Goose, talk to me Goose,” he says. In the midst of this internal conflict, a tear rolls down Dan’s cheek and then, as quickly as it all began, he regains his composure, sits down at his computer again and takes full control of the situation.)

...Let me tell you what Bushy’s trying to do right. First of all he’s trying to move copy. I got no problem with that, he’s entitled, but he’s also trying to bury an utterly incompetence record as President and somehow turn himself into a victim at the end of it all. It is really quite bizarre and the press is playing right along.

This week NBC had Kanye on TV and Matt Lauer, the guy interviewing him, broke him down and got him to apologize. I guess if I was Kanye I guess I would have done the same. I would have turned, looked straight into the camera and...apologized for not going far enough. I’d say that Bush was, still is and always will be 100%, pure, unadulterated evil and something that probably should be destroyed.

For those of you who can’t quite figure it out, what Kanye was actually saying, was not that Bush was a racist, but rather, “It’s been days since the hurricane hit and there are thousands of people suffering terribly and dying down there. For the love of God get off your fat lazy ass and do something about it, Mr. President.” Anyone who saw even a few seconds of the aftermath of Katrina would know there was obviously something very, very wrong with about the government’s responses. And Bush, whether you like it or not, you’re sitting on the tippy top of that heap. Beside, if a hurricane hit a rich, white, Republican area I have a hunch that there would have been a somewhat different reaction.

If being called a name is the worst part of the Bush’s tenure an outsider might just belive that it was all sugar and spice down at the White House. Last I checked it wasn’t. I haven’t read the bio and probably won’t, but I can tell you what it doesn’t say. G.W. was a guy who couldn’t have “lead” his way out of a wet paper bag and that he’s someone who’s done nothing in his life but ridden on his old man’s coat tails.

In the bigger sense of things all of this shows just how insane and out of hand celebrity culture is getting. Because the real story of the 1,836 people who died in New Orleans is lost to all this idiotic bullshit. Anyhoo, I’m done. Take care and I’ll talk you you kids next week, and remember you can all be my wingmen anytime you like.

Dan.

Tower, this is Dan requesting permission to do a flyby?

2010-11-07T23:32:00.002-05:00

Yippie kay yay...I’m off to the nearest brothel courtesy, Algonquin College. You gotta love bursaries.

Ottawa Update 23

Hello brothers and sisters, and welcome back to the Church of Dan. The only place on the net where you can worship and praise the wondrous life and times of our great and loving leader.

Well folk winter’s a rollin’ in. We’ve had snow already and today we turned the clocks back an hour. This is the time of year when it gets dark at 4:30 in the p.m. and according to the Dan-o-meter that’s close enough to call it winter for me. In somewhat related news Remembrance Day is coming up. Here in Canada November 11 is the day that all Canadians reflect upon the wars of the past and pray that they are never repeated. There is just one little catch this year. Do all of you remember World War II? Well...uh...(Dan nervously clears throat)...recent evidence seem to show that the Germans were in fact correct all along and...well the British were really the bad guys in that one.

Yeah, you got it, we chose the wrong side. This is all a little awkward and embarrassing for us and we’re still trying to figure out what all this means. However, it seems that this year’s festivities will go on as planned, but next year’s are gonna be totally different. Personally, I don’t really care much about who won or lost any wars, all I know is that this is Remembrance Day is gonna totally rock. That’s because Kim Kardashian is gonna be my date to the big show and once it’s over we’re gonna hit a massive party at the Legion Hall.

In other war related news we’ve had a slew of elections, or erections as the Japanese say. Man, that joke never gets old does it? Both here in Ottawa on the municipal level and in the States. Municipal elections are not something that warrant much attention on the old blog, but here in Ottawa we threw out the loudmouth, business loving, right of center dudes and replaced them with smooth, seasoned, well connected politicians. Not so in the USA.

After recent elections down south they’re rockin’ the Tea Party’s colors and that’s a great, great thing for new junkies like me. Starting in 2000, the Right Wing under G.W. blew budget surpluses, they blew the war in Iraq, they blew the economy and they laughed all the way to the bank doing it. But that wasn’t enough because now after only 2 years they’re back...and crazier than ever.

The Right has ‘taken America back’ and I almost feel sorry for them because of it. Thanks to America’s paranoid fear of everything under the sun and their love of guns, God and freedom the Tea Party is the hot new girl in town. I don’t know about all of you, but I can’t wait till she opens her mouth and actually has to say something. Last I checked America had the most massive disparity of wealth out of any nation on earth, yet somehow the richest and best educated people in the country somehow have convinced the poorest and dumbest into fighting their battles and in this case not raising their taxes. There is no doubt that the Chinese, Opec and the hedge fund guys are licking their chops at this crew coming in. Good luck Titanic...er, I mean America...and I’ll thank you in advance for the coming years of entertainment.

There really isn’t much going on this week, but in the local newspaper today they had a story about a Japo who’s walking around the world. No shit, the guy has walked 16,000 km, it’s totally hardcore. He started in out in January 09 in Shanghai and is doing 50 km a day, sleeping in a tent and living the life. Climbing Everest is cool, but it’s so 1953, for me this is truly mind blowing stuff. He’s 29, he doesn’t speak much English, meaning he may well have been one of my students, and his name is Yoshida Masahito (last names first in Japanese). Check out his blog if you’re bored, it’s call alkinist (it means ‘walker’ in a weird Japanese/English mix kinda way), but I’m telling you, this dude is my new all time hero.

As, I’ve traveled I’ve heard faint rumors of people doing things like this and on one of my bike trips across Canada I actually met a guy who was walking across Canada, but going around the world is truly awesome! Thing is, my heart aches when I hear about dudes doing stuff like this cause this is the shit I wanna be doing, not sitting in a classroom or an office. That being said, what gets me most excited about him is that he took my route.

When I first got to Japan in 03 I took all my bike touring stuff with me. Somewhere in the back of my dusty old mind was the concept of cycling from the most eastern point of continental Asia to the most western point of Europe. It was all looking great and then...I got a girlfriend. While most men don’t fully understand why, girlfriends tend to frown on boyfriends leaving them for years on end. It’s kinda weird, but this guy did nearly the exact same route I’d planned, only he walked it. I’ve heard that he’s staying in Ottawa for a few days, so I’m going to hunt the dude down and buy him a beer...or at the very least shake his hand.

(For all you aspiring writers out there the previous paragraph is a perfect example of how to insert yourself into a story that has absolutely nothing to do with you. It is a very handy tool for writers with low self esteem, or those who must always be the center of attention.)

I just finished watching the movie City of God. Whoever thought that anything so good could come outta Brazil? It’s likely not something anyone working in their tourism department want folks watching, but it’s a great film nonetheless. I’ll give it nine out of 10 stars. I’d give it more, but I couldn’t understand a damn thing anyone was saying, so that’s gonna count against it. For all you budding directors out there my advice to you is try and throw in a little English once and a while and you’ll make old Dan happy. Now I’m don, everyone say three Hail Dannys and come back to confession next week. Take care until then.

Dan.

2010-11-01T22:20:00.002-04:00

What exactly are we teaching our kids?

Ottawa Update 22

My shirt is starched, pants freshly pressed, nose hairs clipped, nails perfectly manicured, eyebrows plucked, hair quaffed and I’ve just thrown on a splash of aftershave. I apologize for being a little late, but damn I look good! I’m finally ready to start blogging.

Hello folks, and welcome back to the only blog that isn’t afraid to extol the virtues of narcissism. And let me tell you, I’m extremely pleased you’re here. That’s because I’m hoping you can help me out with something. I’ve been thinking about his a lot lately, and to be honest with you, I feel a little dumb for even asking. It’s probably a simple answer, so let me quickly bounce it off you. What’s the name of the job where if you make up enough idiotic excuses and complain about everything long enough you'll be allowed to not do anything, yet still get paid a great salary?...oh yeah, there isn’t any job like that.

I just hope that someone sends a memo to all the kids here in Canada about that. If no one does, they’ll be in for a nasty surprise when they’re thrown into this current job market. Unfortunately, whether we like it or not, the ‘real’ world generally tends to reward those who go above and beyond the call of duty not those who try to debate their ways out of it. When these young people are toiling away at I suspect that their bosses won’t spend very much time trying to understand how difficult their lives are or arrange a work load that will incorporate their precious laundry schedules.

Everyone thinks they’re just going to become what ever they want in life because...well because that’s what happens. I remember thinking the same way back in those carefree days as well. I just wanna tell them that a few years from now, when they graduate they’re aren’t going to be happy unless they know that did everything they could when they had the opportunity. Like my old boxing coach used to tell,”You gotta leave it all out there in the ring.”

For me getting a university degree was the toughest thing I ever had to do. The only reason I got it was because, I went to every class, I busted my ass, I shut my mouth and I did what I was told. In return, I came out a smarter, tougher and a more confident person for it. These punks are being asked to do jack shit and they cry all the way home. For me it’s all just weird cause these days all I want to do is write, that’s what I’m here to study and I love doing it. This is my opportunity to go nuts with the essays, compositions and articles.

Maybe the most frustrating thing about some of the attitudes in Canada for me is there are so many real injustices in the world, and countless perfectly legitimate things to complain about and this is what they choose. We are the privileged of world, the ones who should understand how lucky we are and who should be focused on making a positive change for all the others who don't have the same chances. I know the fact that they’re young, the world is a scary place and they have many new stresses and pressures on them has a lot to do with it.

But I think that there may be a slightly deeper problem too. That being that all these kids had the bad luck to have come of age in the last 10 years. The world they grew up in is an extremely vapid place. It’s a place where marketing and entertainment are paramount, and those tend to be the places where people end up learning life’s important lessons. In today’s world those lessons are very simple - there is no greater good than one’s own wants, desires and happiness. The celebration of self...thank you Ayn Rand, thank you Paris Hilton.

I understand individualism, I get fighting the system and ‘being different’, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening these days. The way it works now is we’re all taught that whatever knowledge, happiness, stature, respect or ‘freedom’ any of us want in life is just a mouse click or an easy purchase away. North American society is all about consumerism, excess and self-gratification, not sacrifice and hard work. It’s something we are bombarded with over and over. It starts at the the very highest political offices and corporate boardrooms and it’s become the very foundation of our economy. The underlying premiss being that you don’t have to be devoted or subservient to anything else other than than yourself. All that is fine and there's nothing particularly original in reading about it here, but the problem is that putting yourself up on a pedestal and spending your time chasing your every desire is totally counter to the process of learning. The truth is that whatever happiness, stature, respect and freedom you want in life is in reality a hell of a lot of hard work away.

The way I see it, most people’s problems in life are based on their confusing what they want and what they need. We, here in North America, learn very early on that the wants always outrank the needs. In fact the wants are glorified and revered while the needs are seen as the worst possible alternative. Turn on your TV and watch a few commercials, the message is always the same same, why exercise when you can take a pill, why read a book when you can download the film, why worry about the planet’s environmental future when driving gets you there 10 minutes faster, why go out and vote when you can watch reruns of the Simpsons. The list goes on and on, but the underlying theme is the same. Life is all about what’s easiest for me.

What’s more shocking to me than how often the Canadians complain, is how often their complaining works. They quickly get seemingly whatever they want. This tells me that it’s more than just TV or commercials.

Here, in Canada, we have something called multiculturalism. The premiss being new nationalities or groups coming to Canada bring with them new flavors and a dynamism that enriches their newly adopted homeland. What this means is that every single person here thinks of themselves as being 50% Canadian, but also as 50% of something else. They then start to define themselves as being a part of either a certain group or a race because that's what Canada wants. That’s nice, but it has a lot of these people thinking that they are also so different from everyone else that no other Canadians can possibly understand them, their lives or their particular problems. 100% Canadians then see other people getting away with stuff because of their non-Canadian 50%, so they too come up with a non-Canadian 50% group or issue of their own. So we've come to a point where everyone in Canada has some kind of beef, wants some kind of platform to publicly whine about it on and seems to believe they are due some kind of compensation or special status because of it. A very, very few are justified in their complaints, but most are just sucks.

Because of all this nonsense there just isn’t always whole lot of self-responsibility or common sense in these parts. Now, in accepting this behavior as we generally do, it also creates a tough position for any authority figures to draw lines. It leaves lots of grey area and we often find ourselves enabling people’s stupidity, laziness or incompetence. So these days when I read a newspaper I find it almost embarrassing at times to be a 'Canadian'. It's all very different from Japan, where the traditional culture is all about denying themselves what they want and they often seem to go out of their way to seek out unnecessary suffering.

Maybe Canadian society wins or maybe it looses with this ‘me first’ approach to things, I don’t know. It isn’t all of the students in my class, it isn’t all Canadians and it isn’t evil. North America is a pretty wealthy and egalitarian place, but also it’s also bred a lot of over weight, environmentally irresponsible, hyper sensitive, hypocritical babies. And at this point in my life it’s not really for me. I understand that all of us want to avoid pain and suffering, but for the most part, and in moderation, those things are good for you. However, I think the best person to give us a final word on the mater is my highly esteemed colleague Tyler Durden when he said, “Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.” Translation, shut your mouths, do what you’re asked and try to smile while you do it.

Wow, that felt good.

As a guy who is complaining about complainers, I don’t know what all this says about me. Probably, it makes me sound like everyone’s grandfather, and that’s not the worst thing to be called, but challenge is what makes us men and there can be no challenge without any attempt.

On that note it’s Halloween and, as is the case with most people who live along a highway, no kids are coming to our house. So I’m sitting here with a huge bowl of candy and I’ve eaten about 5 pounds of sugar in the last few hours. I gotta go now cause my eyes are bloodshot and I feel like I’m gonna puke. Besides, this Update took me longer than I though it would, so I have to think of a good excuse for not finishing my homework this weekend. Take care and I’ll see you round.

Dan.

2010-10-24T22:00:00.004-04:00

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my latest masterpiece. I call it ‘The Crappiest Town Alive!’

Ottawa Update 21

Folks, I am so very, very sorry. I’ve let you all down. I know how you looked up to and idolized me. I know that you were excitedly tuning in week after week to see me break yet another historic blogging record on my way to eventually becoming the greatest blogger of all time. Unfortunately, that’s over now because, as you’ve all surely read in the papers and seen on TV, this past Thursday I tested positive for steroids.

This is really tough for me to talk about, but I think you deserve the truth. It all started after I dislocated my left hand index finger filing Japan Update 2.11. It was a horrible injury and one I wouldn’t wish upon my worst blogging enemy. It was late at night and I was really tired and I must confess I’d been drinking. I knew should have quit or at the very least called a secretary. I really had no business being behind the keyboard in that kind of condition, but I wasn’t thinking straight. I still hate myself for not just stopping, I knew my reaction time had slowed down considerably, but I just wanted to finish one last thought.

I was going way too fast, probably about 80-90 wpm, when my finger got caught between the G and T keys and I wrenched it pulling it out. I was in agony, I iced it immediately, but like my coaches always told me to do, I attempted to ‘type through the pain’. It only got worse and by the end of the week my whole left hand was swollen and strained as a result of trying to compensate over the lack of an index finger. I was terrified, I had no one to turn to and I thought my career might be over. I was desperate and that’s when I started using.

I know that over the last few years my huge, ripped, muscular hands had many of my fans questioning what was happening. But I was faster than ever and for the first time able to pump out some of the best prose this side of Beckett. It’s sad to say, but when the money, fame and women started rolling in I completely lost sight of what was important.

You also have to try and understand the extremes pressure that I’m under. At the levels of success that I’ve reached I have to endure long hours, countless meetings, check everything I write with the lawyers, do endless rewrites and hit strict deadlines to get you a decent product every week. What’s worse is that there are thousands of younger, hungrier and better looking bloggers out out there. Some of those third world guys are just plain ruthless and will blog for next to nothing while I’m trying to maintain my luxurious lifestyle.

I can tell you that when I started it only 100% legal substances. You know, stuff that would simply allow me to recuperate faster between Updates. The problem was the effects started wearing off and I needed more and more, and eventually moved to stronger stuff. Things were going fine until about a year back when the High Council of Bloggers bowed to the critics who were calling them a corrupt and morally bankrupt organization. To save their own comfy jobs, the HCB sold out their own bloggers and set up a mandatory random drug testing program.

Our union fought it for a long time, we walked the picket lines for months because knew we had to be strong. Web sites, newspapers and radio don’t have drug testing, so why did we? Paralleling our strike were Senate hearings, police investigations and ultimately public pressure was just too much. The readers were becoming jaded and loosing the respect and adoration they once had for us. They were calling us ‘cheaters’ and they ultimately just weren’t reading like they used to. So we caved and grudgingly accepted the HCB terms. And that’s how we arrived where we are today.

Please don’t go thinking any of this is easy on me, my life is a living hell these days. I’ve been stripped of my all my records and my two World Championships. I’ve lost my sponsorships, the world's press is camped outside my house 24 hours a day and I’m getting truck loads of hate mail. I can deal with that, what hurts the most is that kids are throwing out my rookie cards and tearing my posters off their walls. All I can say in my own defense is that I’m deeply sorry, but beneath all the lies and cheating there is still ability. I could never have written any of what I wrote or achieved all of the good I’ve done without pure, raw talent. The ideas are all still mine, I just found I could write way, way more when I was juiced.

To date, I’m by far the biggest blogger to have been caught. Legal has advised me not to comment, but I don’t want to keep living like this. Too many innocent people are being hurt by my selfishness and I just want all the lies and pain to end so we can all move on with our lives. Mom, Dad I am the most sorry for you, I know you raised me to be better than this...

Well, all that headache aside, things are moving along swimmingly for me at school these days. The good news is that I sit in class surrounded by 18-year-old girls constantly telling me to grow up, the bad news is that we just finished mid-terms. As expected, those straight A’s I was enjoying in the first few days of school are now just specs on the horizon behind me as the Ferrari of life continues to speed me off in opposite direction. Granted, I’m still doing way better than I’ve ever done in any type of school situation before, including as a teacher, but I’m not the best anymore. I hoped it wouldn’t come to this, but I feel I no longer have any option. I will now have to start eliminating any and all students who get better marks than I do. And trust me...I will.

The courses they have me taking right now are fun, nice, great, interesting and (insert any other moderately positive, yet bland adjective here), but the more I study and the more they make me do, the more that I realize that, in all likelihood, all I really need is a good time management course. In thinking things over, my utter lack of organization is where every single problem in my professional and academic life ultimately stems from. I know I can do the stuff, but my lack of focus, inability to prioritize and procrastination kills me.

Then again I can’t complain too much about my life or my schooling. They are what you make of them, so outside of class, I’ve been busy doing all the ‘making’ I can. The very best thing about going to a college is that it gives the student access to a mind boggling amount of cutting edge knowledge and people who are excited to talk about and share what they do. During my first week at Algonquin I realized the unlimited potential all around the place and since then I’ve been slowly figuring out how best I can harness it.

I’ve always had a head full of ideas and I now command an army of experts in nearly any relevant field to make them happen. Before I came here I always wondered what it would it be to be Bill Gates running Microsoft, or Steve Jobs running Apple? Now I kind of understand, because within two minutes I can walk into the offices of business, computer, advertising, electronics, film experts or whatever else I might need and ask them questions. So, lately I’ve been knocking on doors looking for folks who can get me to the places my program can’t. The first place I went was the horticulture building.

My flower time lapses are now turning out totally kick ass after just a few conversations with the good people down there. They told me a few simple things to change and, after dozens of failures over the summer, my roses are now looking amazing. I’ve also found myself a Japanese tutor from the ESL school and we do a weekly language exchange. Best of all I somehow stumbled into someone’s office who is in charge of the school’s 2.5 million dollar Algonquin student fund for budding entrepreneurs. We’ve been in negotiations about what my ideas are worth for some time now.

Okay, okay, I swore to myself that, I wasn’t going to talk about the blog anymore, but this week I added a new gallery section. I’m totally stoked about it, not only because it took me a hell of a long time to figure out how to do the HTML to make it look and operate the way it does, but because it’s more along the lines of the gallery I was always trying to do till now. For our inaugural voyage week I just threw a few classics New York (moon rise over Brooklyn), India (Varanassi) and Tokyo (Shinjuku) shots up, but as time goes on it’ll grow and you’ll all get to admire the view of the world from my camera.

As for this week’s time lapse, this is what happens when I get my hands on a balcony over looking downtown Ottawa. I think it turned out alright, so I may have to try a few more in the future. But now, I gotta run. I’m off to find myself some a new and completely untraceable performance enhancing drug....er...did I just say that? I mean, I’m go gonna work doubly hard and repair my tattered reputation and hope to restore a little of your faith in me. Take care see you next week and be good.

Dan.

2010-10-17T22:21:00.003-04:00

What the hell are you guys doing in there?

Ottawa Update 20

Wow! Folks, I’ve pumped out 19 of these god-awful things now, but I gotta tell ya, my hands are trembling and my eyes are all misty as I put the final touches on this one. Number 20, our china anniversary is here and my blog and I are going out to celebrate as soon as I’m done. We’re going back to the same place we had our very first date and we’ll laugh, cry and gently hold each other all night long as we reminisce about how far we’ve come.

I know you’re all probably thinking, ‘Yo dawg, 20 ain’t no thang, what up bro’? So why would a certified ‘tough guy’ like me get so emotional over this seemingly insignificant event? Well, I haven’t talked about it much till now, but many Updates ago my blog and I were having problems. So as many others do we went for counseling. That’s when I was first diagnosed with TWS (Talentless Writer Syndrome). The doctors sat my blog and I down and explained that things really didn’t look good for me. He told us I’d be extremely lucky to last five Updates, and that ten was never ever going to happen. His advice was for me to spend as much time with my blog as I could and try to enjoy the last Update or two I had left. Well, I didn’t give up and here I am stronger than ever and continually proving the medical community wrong. It’s a true miracle.

TWS is a terrible affliction that strikes 999 out of 1000. No one is spared from its brutal grip. It doesn't know race, sex, age, or language and millions upon millions are afflicted. Sadly, many suffers don’t even know they have it. Others ignore it and pretend that it isn’t a real. Most, however, suffer in silence, ashamed that they don’t know what a present perfect sentence is or how to correct a dangling participle. Many victims never get the help that they need and worst of all TWS is the leading cause of blogging.

You see, when bad writers don’t get the book deals they expect many don’t understand that the message isn’t keep trying and you’ll get there, but rather walk the hell away. TWS often blinds ‘writers’ to this and these sufferers often fall back on what experts have termed ‘Plan B’. Plan B involves writing copious amounts of information on subjects they know little to nothing about and ‘posting’ it on a blog for the world to see.

What can you do to help? As the official 2010 spokes person for TWS I would ask all of you to please donate to the Canadian TWS Association and let’s work together to stop this horrible affliction from starting one even more terrible blog.

...Anyhoo, aside from hitting that magical 20 Update mark, I’m in school and working my sexy little tush off. My primary motivation is that when I do finally drop dead there’s gonna be a little more than this crappy blog that I’ll be leaving behind. Now, I don’t know about how things work where ever you come from, but here in Canada College and University are two very different things. University is a place were you learn tons of esoteric shit, and gain the ability to talk someone’s ear off, but after you graduate and are looking for a job you realize that you have no marketable skills whatsoever. College, on the other hand, is where you develop all kinds of incredible skills, yet learn absolutely nothing outside of them.

Of course they are different types of school with different objectives, but another reason that they are so different is that Canadian colleges, likely in order to cut costs, don’t seem to hire professional teachers. I don’t mean this in a negative way, but colleges generally hire working professionals who opt to also teach part-time. This is both a good and bad thing.

It’s good in that, you certainly don’t have the pompous arrogance of those 50 something tenured university professors looking down on everyone from their ivory tower. You know the guy whose only claim to fame is some painfully dry book about the vital role black lesbians played in the building of Nazi Party between 1929-33. That being said, unlike university, at Algonquin I certainly don’t walk out of class with my head spinning with a thousand new ideas running through them. And I certainly haven’t any heated debates on the validity, ethics or morality of what kernels of knowledge we’ve just learned.

It’s bad in that, what you do get at colleges are teachers...or professors, I don’t really know what exactly to call them...people who are personable, up to date on the latest technologies, but who are a much more like buddies than persons to be held in reverence. As a result I’m kinda finding things are a little too lax for my liking. Classes start 10 minutes late, students walk in much later, there isn’t much by way of structure within the classes, students talk throughout them as they surf the net, we have long drawn out ‘breaks’, we leave 30 minutes early, there isn’t much reading or homework involved and I don’t always know what is due when. The the whole thing is more like an arts and crafts club than anything very academic.

Most of my co-students don’t really have much of a problem with this. They’re far more interested in whatever the hell they can find at the bottom of a can of beer than in a textbook. That’s cool, but the difference between us is that none of them left their girlfriends, invested every last penny they had, travelled halfway around the world and, worst of all, moved back in with their folks to be here. So I’m just hoping things start picking up soon, if they don’t and especially if there ain’t a sweet, sweet 6 figure job waiting for me at the end, I’ll be less than thrilled about the return on my investment.

Then again, I probably shouldn’t be getting too big for my britches, I got my first F two weeks ago. I spelled someone’s name wrong on an assignment. That’s a big time no, no in the hallowed halls of Algonquin’s journalism department. When I inquired about it, they told me it has something to do with my credibility as a writer. I told them I’m not looking for any credibility as a writer, just a job. They said just don’t let it happen again and then they let me know the conversation was over. I said okay, walked away and got another F on Friday. I spelled a city name without capitalizing it. Oops...oh well, I may not be learning to write very well, but I am certainly figuring out that having standards to measure up to sucks eggs.

But fear not, dear readers there’s help out there for guys like me. In order to bring some kinda law and order to the wild west of writing, us ‘journalists’ have something called the Canadian Press Stylebook. Some genius came up with this concept back in 1917 when war reports were rolling into Canada from all over Europe and, I suppose, that many of them were unreadable. Thanks to those shitty writers of the past, I now have a 500 page rule book to memorize on how to write just like everyone else. It has literally thousands of laws on where periods, commas, hyphens and all kinds of other junk you’ve never heard of goes. There’s no way around it and I gotta memorize the whole thing. They tell me it is gonna become my best friend right now it’s my worst nightmare

And now, for a big final, I’m gonna close this article down with a joke. At least that’s something else they tell us to do in journalism, so here goes. A guy walks into a shrink’s office wearing only Saran wrap. The psychiatrist looks at him and say “Hey pal, I can see you’re nuts.” (Insert laugh track here). Thank so much, you’ve been a great audience, the name’s Dan, and have yourself a wonderful evening. Take care and I’ll see you next week.

Dan.

2010-10-10T23:36:00.012-04:00

For those days when stale old cougar just isn’t cutting it anymore.

Ottawa Update 19

Hello folks, and welcome back. As I write this I am unshowered, laying in a puddle of my own filth, emotionally drained, bloated, releasing horrible gas, about to barf, ready to kill the next little kid I see and I’ve got a freshly blackened eye from yet another brawl with my old man - the guy’s way, way quicker than he looks okay. So, why am I in such abnormally high spirits on this ordinary mid-October day? Well, because here in Canada another Thanksgiving has rolled around.

For all of us (non-Mexican) North Americans Thanksgiving is a long weekend and a cherished holiday. While it seems that all agriculturally based peoples around the world partake in some type of traditional autumn festivals after crops are harvested Thanksgiving is a uniquely North American celebration. We generally get together with close friends and family, have a turkey dinner and spend a little time remembering just how fortunate we are to be living here.

If any of you haven’t seen any of the lovely portrayals of the very first Thanksgiving I highly recommend you check a few out as they are quite touching things. All are set in rich natural backgrounds and painted in warm earthy tones. Natives are depicted bowing their heads submissively while accepting food from the kind, generous pilgrims. While overlooking everything, there is always some type of benevolent looking clergy man arms outstretched with eyes looking upwards towards heavens lost in prayer. It is a wonderful depiction of different nations and peoples coming together.

However, for those of us running things round these parts Thanksgiving also reminds us that there once was a time that the white man, and the white man alone, ruled the world. Those romantic images of the first Thanksgiving harken back to a simpler, happier time. It was a time when Europeans could sail to and fro, stick a flag in whatever scrap of land they saw and claim it for some far off king, queen or pope then immediately take off with anything of value regardless of what the people who lived there had to say.

Sadly, over time things have changed. Unlike those early North America Natives our present day gifts of civility, capitalism, religion, colonization, democracy and shame are so often unappreciated. Today we have to contend with nasty things like the UN, international conventions, human rights and global sanctions when we try taking what we want. Thanks to the recent explosion of world travel, small pox is no longer the cheap and easy killer it once was, and the horrible proliferation of chemistry books has given even the most primitive of societies the ability build some fairly formidable weaponry. The weak Natives, Arabs, Muslims and Chinese of yesteryear were nowhere near the headache they are today. Hell, some people even believe they’re taking over. Yet, despite these and many other hardships Thanksgiving here in North America is a time we remember the land, the harvest and the freedom that we’ve been ‘given’.

Or....

...we could genuinely share something with the natives to try to make up for just a fraction of all we’ve done to them. I suggest we change the dull, generic name of Thanksgiving to the name of some native deity and make it some kinda native appreciation type holiday. How’s Manitou Day grab ya? We make it a national holiday, a real one like Canada Day and not one of those crappy ones that we don't get a day off work for and that's completely meaningless to everyone. It will be a day where all Canadians celebrate our indigenous people and their wonderful culture rather than slamming them over the head with more of ours. I mean, we live on their land, we constantly parade them around at the Olympics and other such international events, we stick their faces all over our tourist brochures and when we don’t need them we shut them up on tiny remote reservations. Shit, most Canadians don’t really know anything about them. Aside from a few statues buried in dark corners of parks across the country we don’t do anything to publicly acknowledge the role they played in our nation’s history or it’s development. Just think how cool would it be to see a choir of blond haired blue eyed children singing Native songs on the annual CBC Manitou Day special?

Hell, why not make all Canadian school kids take a year or two of Native Studies in elementary and high school? Students could learn some native languages, cultures and appreciate something more about his great land we ‘inherited’ from them. I guess what I’m trying to say is that maybe it is time for all of us to get down on our knees and thank Canada’s First Nations People and the planet’s entire population for living such shitty lives just so that we can live like the rich, spoiled brats that we are.

Now envision me with a tear rolling down my cheek, standing on a podium in stadium of thousands with ticker tape and ballons falling from the ceiling. Everyone there is on their feet inspired, applauding, screaming my name and ready to march out and change the world that very evening...

...whoa, I just reread what I wrote and that was like some of the craziest shit I’ve ever said. This Update was great right up till the part I started talking about Manitou Day. That was whack. But then again what’s Thanksgiving without booze, and lots of it? Note to self: stop drinking before writing Updates.

Anyways, The leaves are beautiful, the weather is nearly perfect and I’m in a house filled with people who are all just barely hanging on to their sanity, so I'm gonna go now. Besides at 9 a.m. tomorrow I start the first of many counseling sessions that I need just to recover from these festive family gatherings. Take care and I’ll talk to you next week!

Dan.

2010-10-03T20:47:00.007-04:00

Don’t no one go sayin’ my ol’ man and I ain’t street! Yo, yo we live in the jungle bro! Our gang colors are shamrock green. You ever see those you best start runnin’ yokles.

Ottawa Update 18

Ladies and gentlemen, sadly, the blog’s construction has become an obsession lately. It’s even gotten worse than that Sarah Palin phase I went through a few years back. Because of that I haven’t been pontificating as a good blogger should. What this ultimately means is that I have little to offer you this week...other than my heart.

But don’t despair, just because there’s nothing to read doesn’t mean I haven’t been working overtime in the lab creating my sinister prototype for blogs of the future. And now that I’m (almost) done I’d like to welcome all of you to it, but be warned if choose to go on any farther you will see the true world, as it really is with the blinds ripped away from your eyes. You will experience things so shocking and difficult to comprehend that you can never ever return to the naive innocence that you now enjoy. Take your time and weigh your choices carefully...

You are indeed brave and have chosen wisely good luck to you. I like to think that my blog rebuilding efforts have paid off handsomely, because before you today is what many of the experts had previously believed to be impossible and what many others are already calling the greatest blog of all time. As a true blogging artist, or a blartist as call myself, I obviously don’t do any of this for the critics. It's all done for the deep personal gratification it brings me, but today, today is different. This new site has 276 times more power than the old one and has the capability to be broadcast into outer space. To give you a little perspective on that, if you stacked 276 time more power end on end it would stretch all the way from Havre, Montana to Williston, North Dakota...twice! Last week, I was just a boy with a blog this week I’m a man with an empire, but, like Jay-Z, I’ll be hood forever.

I don’t know if you guys can understand how much work it was to get things looking like this, more importantly I don’t really understand why I even bothered. However, this new layout is an idea that’s been kicking around in my head for years now. And what I’ve built has been months in the making. It’s been a long slow effort, but now that it’s here I’m stoked. It still needs tweaking, but through trial and effort I’ve somehow turned a boring run of the mill blog into a multi page website.

Admittedly, all this would have taken any half-assed computer programer 30-40 minutes to do. For me I had to learn it all from scratch. I don’t know if I’m this happy over the fact that I’ve just finished something really big or just started a whole lot of other cool stuff, but I’ll enjoy the moment. I have a head full of crazy ideas and maybe this is the tip of the iceberg. This could be a brand new world wide renaissance lead by me, or maybe it’ll be the only thing of note that I ever accomplish, but right now, I’m standing on top of my own personal Everest, I just stuck a big old Dan flag on top of it and I’m digging the view

I have a sneaking suspicion that The Alliance of Cool Bloggers are also paying close attention and are very impressed. Right now, I’m not afraid to tell the whole world that I’m gunning for a repeat in of the Best Blog Award in 2011. I own the crown and I’m throwing down, let’s see what all you other contenders got. Yeah, yeah I know you want to win too Lucas, but your little doggie pictures won’t cut it here, this contest is for the players.

Anyways, this week as I was putting the final touches to this bad boy, I was doing like 5 hour of sleep a night. Now for a guy who generally needs 8 just to hit my minimum level of sexy, that’s a pretty big sacrifice to be making. Here’s what I discovered during that time, the modern world is full of energy booster drinks, books on how to sleep less, diets to increase power, and supplements all marketed to allow you to work 1000 hours a day and become uber productive. Well, here’s Dan’s little secret about how to be more productive, sleep less and have all kinds of great success. Do shit you actually enjoy. There’s nothing more inspiring and wonderful than that. Over the last week or so staying awake wasn’t the problem, I’d have to force myself to go to bed. Nothing is more stimulating than passion. Napoleon wasn’t running on 4 hours a night cause he had a wife who wasn’t putting out and a job he hated. The guy just really loved conquering the world. You don’t get that out of a can of Red Bull, no mater how many you down.

Other than the blog there was one other bit of exciting news. Our Dear Leader, Comrade and Supreme Commander (I call him Dad) as promoted me to the rank of 4-star general and the army has sworn loyalty to me. I don’t know exactly what is happening, but the talk around here is that I’m being groomed to take over things after Our Dear Leader ascends into heaven. Elections for our family’s Supreme People’s Assembly are coming up and I may take it. To be honest with you, I’m not overly interested in the political side of things, but when the old man does kick it I’m defiantly intrigued about taking over the family’s Gippeumjo.

Speaking of my old man, let’s talk about today’s vid. The thrift shop has a kind of an interesting situation. Apparently kids here in our wonderful nation’s capital think it is cool to spray paint on other people’s shit. No doubt they’d say their motives are based on anti-corporate, anti-establishment, freedom of speech and artistic considerations...that may even be true, but I’d say they’re just fuckers. We've bought $1000 of paint in the last three months alone. Whatever the reason for their doing it, my old man’s store gets covered in the stuff. That means at some point the municipal by-law officer shows up and gives him 48 hours to clean it off. That means he has to repaint it or he gets a big fat ticket. That means I find myself hanging off a ladder in the rain. And that mean’s I’m pretty sure that we’ve just primed it for the next time these pukes come around.

I’m going to bed now. I’ll see you kids later. Take care and good night.

Dan.

2010-09-27T00:03:00.002-04:00

I call this one ‘The Dreams of Our Youth’.

Ottawa Update 17

Hello folks, and welcome to the site the New York Time recently called ‘the only blog that matters’. Congratulate me, since starting school earlier this month, the bookies have noted how well I’m applying myself and on Tuesday Vegas has changed the odd of my ever accomplishing something with my life from 250/1 to 240/1. Well, I may not have much going for me odds wise, but I do have a blog and I’m sure as hell going to use it in my eternal quest for truth, justice and self-aggrandizement.

Speaking of self-aggrandizement, things are slowly picking up for me at school these days. I’m getting to know where stuff is on campus, there’s a little more homework being dished out and some of the bigger end of term projects are now in the initial planning stage. However, all that other stuff is unimportant to me because school is creating one really big headache for me right now.

The way the journo program works is the group of 25 students that I’m with now is the same group that I’m stuck with for the next two years. We’re in all the same classes and we’re gonna have to work closely creating a top notch school paper. Essentially we’re gonna have to be each other’s best friends and all get along in order to just get out of the program alive. What’s more is that with me being the oldest I kinda feel this weird pressure to be mature and set an example or be the archetypal wise father figure to my flock or something like that. Because of that I feel it unwise to be making enemies in the first month of school. Sadly, what this all means is that, outside of this blog, I can’t really mock and ridicule any of my classmates. And this has created a living nightmare for me.

What you gotta understand is that sarcasm is really all I have to offer the world. Take that away from me and I’m just as normal and boring as any of you reading this right now...and I sure as hell don’t want that. The way things typically work inside my devious little ADD powered world is someone says or does something I deem to be stupid, I’ll quickly lean over to whoever’s sitting beside me and fire off some exceptionally derogatory, yet brilliantly witty comment based on it. The lucky person beside me and I will bust a gut laughing and we’ll repeat this pattern every few minutes or so until I get bored and leave or until time is up and we have to go our separate ways.

As things now stand I’m sitting in a room full of great comedic material for hours on end, and all I can do is bite my tongue. This truly is my idea of hell, but, I just keep reminding myself that it’s suffering like this that allows me to empathize with starving children, victims of natural disasters and all those wrongly accused people now on death row.

Other than that, I’ve happily been telling my teachers how I think they should be teaching and doing two things that I love best, writing and biking. As dumb as it might sound, the simple act riding my bicycle to school everyday is awesome. I love weaving in and out of traffic, flipping the bird to dudes who honk at me and getting to school jacked up on dopamine, endorphins and serotonins. The writing is also great. I’m putting in a few hours a day and not worrying about why I’m doing it is nice. It’s a nice feeling, with both the writing and the biking, when doing stuff that you are good at and enjoy and having those things flow easily without thought or effort.

I did get my broken camera lens back from the shop and having any camera gear repaired is highly unrecommended. It cost $361 to get it up and running. That being said they basically tore all the insides out and stuck new stuff in there, so that’s cool I guess. It’s razor sharp now and when I actually use it again for something you’ll see that too. As for this week’s shot (done with a different lens), I, along with all the recent immigrants who work at the Chinese restaurant next door, was rooting around in the garbage at my old man’s thrift shop to it and I found a pack an old of balloons. The action photographer in me took over, I filled them with water and photographed them as my nieces stuck pins into them. The results although not as spectacular as I would have liked, but are still pretty cool. And on that note I’ll say so long, take care and I’ll see you in a week.

Dan.

2010-09-19T22:20:00.002-04:00

Ottawa Update 16

Well folks, after years of living here I’ve gotta tell you this blog is finally starting to feel like home. Funny thing is I never dreamed I’d stay this long. I was sure I’d be livin’ it up in some posh New York City penthouse blog by now. But I’m still here and I’m loving the new layout. It’s clean, and simple and sharp. There’s something about it is working for me.

I like it even though it, much like my life, is based on nothing but lies. For instance, despite my having the mouth of a choir boy, I stuck a new explicit content advisory up there. I figure that’ll bring in the younger crowd - the kids love that kind of ‘rebellious’ stuff. The award is of course a complete sham, but I won if fair and square since I was the only person to enter. But don’t you worry a true blogger’s work is never done and just because it looks so good now doesn't mean we’re going to sit on our laurels. We’ve got great things planed for you so keep on checking in and let us know what you think. But enough with the small talk, we’re not here for that, so let’s get down to business.

I’ve now I have had 2 full weeks of schooling and I’m very proud to say I’m still the number one student in class. That being said I’m just barely hanging on to the spot and I’ll likely find myself down at the bottom by year’s end. Much of the reason for that is because the program’s policy is handing in an assignment containing any factual errors or misspelled words will result in an instant F. No ifs, ands or buts about it. They don’t even allow plagiarism. What, is this communist Russia or something? All I know is that words like integrity, accuracy and thoroughness are not ones that I bother with much in my daily life…and I certainly don’t want assignments that rests on them. I see myself as the future Lady Gaga of journalism.

But more important and far more rewarding to me than marks could ever be is that I’m by far the best looking of all the students. Better still, one quick look around the room clearly shows that baring some horrific accident to my face I won’t be losing that title any time soon. Please, don’t be jealous or angry at my honesty or my bold assertion, as my beauty is far from a blessing, or ticket to the ‘good life’. The truth is it’s a terrible curse. It isolates me and makes me nearly unapproachable by ‘average’ looking people. I am forced to live an empty superficial life limited to interaction only with other beautiful people we are the only ones who can truly understand the living hell our kind must endure.

As you know I opted to attend Algonquin College right here in Ottawa. I was wooed by many colleges and universities, but ultimately Algonquin won out. There was one reason that made them stand out above the others. And no, it wasn’t because of Algonquin’s prestige, they have none of that. I chose Algonquin College because it was the cheapest. I figured that there was no way I was gonna walk away from school $20,000 in debt. That and I`ve always loved the story of the prodigal son, so actually getting the chance to live it out as I’m doing right now really is a dream come true.

The college itself was established in 1967 and many of the main buildings date from that era. They are brutal concrete, institutional and likely designed by someone trying to create as uncomfortable a place to learn as possible. In the college’s defense they have recently constructed a number of newer buildings which are nice enough. But the one thing about the place is that no matter where I go every day after I get home I gotta take a shower and scrub myself with bleach in an attempt to get the stench of teenaged hope and optimism off me. Every square inch of campus is filled with it, it’s all pervasive and truly horrid.

The one question everyone keeps asking me is ‘How does it feel to be back?’ Well, you know that feeling, everyone who’s in their mid thirties and still think of themselves as ‘with it’ has experienced it, when you’re middle aged, walk into some ‘cool’ club somewhere and instantly realize that you’re about 20 years too old to even think of being there. That’s kinda what going back to college is like for me.

I’m by far the oldest student in this year’s program and as long as I can put up with their moronic drinking stories, endure tales of horrendous oppression at the hands of their parents and listen to them explain how cool the latest reality show celebrities are I guess we’ll all get along just fine. That being said the kids in my classes really are great, dumb as rocks, but good kids. They’re all 19, idealistic and super naive, but I’m big enough to forgive them for that. Hell, I kinda even remember being that way my myself once a long, long time ago. However, in order to prepare them for the ‘real world’ I’ll do my best to bring their cynicism about the ‘beautiful’ world we live in up to where I think it should be.

From what I can gather, bear in mind I’m not really much of a fact checker, to get accepted 400 aspiring journalists applied for 50 available spots. Looking at who got in you’d instantly assume two things. Firstly, the completion’s IQ wasn’t overly high (I got in) and secondly, you’d believe that having to be caucasian was the number one consideration. That’s because aside from a few kids who have brownish colored hair and one poor Asian girl, this year’s batch of wanna be journos is about as divers as one of my family reuinions. And that’s white! But that ain’t the worst of it, not by a long shot, the real kicker is that every single kid who’s in the program was inspired to enroll because…they have a blog. Gulp…yeah...geeze I, uh…I’m just glad that’s not why I did it.

Anyways, every kid these day is packing heat. Now by heat I mean mobiles, laptops and ipods. No one else sits in class like me writing things down with a pen anymore. I’m just sooooo 1990s. We all need lap tops for the program as there are in class assignments that have to be printed out and we need them for photoshop, but as far as I’m concerned haveing 19 year olds bring computers into class with them is a like having alcoholics as bartenders. I have no doubt the that teachers, when looking at the class, are impressed with the hard working, industrious students, but sitting on the other side of those screen you’ll notice that everyone of them is cruising facebook or playing solitaire. And then those same kids will turn around and complain about the high costs of tuition, it’s very bizarre. Anyhow, it is nice to be sitting on the other side of the desk these days. Till this point being a student requires a lot less preparation.

The program itself, is 2 years long and divided into 4 semesters. The first semester is going to be focused on cutting everything down the bone, working grammar and memorizing the Canadian style guide for writing and publishing. I never would have thought that I’d be saying this, and I do say this based on the assumption that it will make me a better writer, but I’m kinda looking forward to it. In my old age I understand that solid fundamentals are important, no mater what you do, and I know that my English language fundamentals are about as solid as jello.

Those fundamentals should come in handy because this term my ‘big project’ is a 1500 word essay. It apparently was dropped down to 1500 from 2000 words last year because too many students were having trouble ‘finishing strong’. Well, Dan ain’t fraid of no 2000 word essay. This Update is already past the 1400 word point and I’m on fire. I’m just warming up Baby!

The first two weeks have also been a period of shedding for me. Shedding a little guilt and shame at actually going back to school. I know it sounds weird, but guilt, shame and I go way back and although I don’t like it or understand why I’m sure we’ll have many rendez vous in the years to come too. One of the many, many odd things about me is that I have always seen asking others for help or any kind of organized studying as a form of weakness. And since I’ve always envisioned myself as a strong guy that’s created some conflict.

Don’t get me wrong, I love learning. I need to learn and school is great and all...just for others not me. I generally have little respect for any type of authority and having to go crawling back to one of them now because at 37 I couldn’t get things going on my own is in some ways embarrassing. However, since my pride wasn’t paying the bills, doing something uncomfortable is often the result to make it right.

I guess in my head my ‘concern’ at going back to school was compounded because I’m going back to study an artsy and creative subject like writing. To me that stuff should always flow and not try to be understood or quantified. All my heros, guys like Eddie Van Halen, Jimi Hendrix, Quinten Tarantino, J.K. Rowling, Napoleon, Ernest Hemingway or Leonardo da Vinci, to name only a few, were self taught, self made folks. There’s no doubt that I’ve romanticized their histories to a great extent, but in their doing what they did they made me believe that I, or anyone, with enough will power could do the same. Although their successes came from great talents it also included equal parts fearlessness and confidence that I don’t quite posses yet, or don’t posses with enough consistency yet. So, my modeling my life on them was a bit of a faulty premise to begin with. What I’m trying to say is that, and I didn’t really see it coming, during my

first week at school I was actually in some ways a little embarrassed, but it’s more or less out of my system. Now I’m just happy that things are now moving forward in my life.

Finally ladies and gentlemen as I write this I am wearing a sweater. More on that next week, but fall has arrived. Take care I’ll talk to you next week and study hard.

Dan.

2010-09-13T09:02:00.002-04:00

I risked my life to get some wasp pics, so even though it has nothing to do with anything, I’m posting it.

Ottawa Update 15

Happy 9/11 everyone! I hope that yours was just as reflective and somber as mine was. However I believe that 911, tragic as it was, is an important gift to those of us left behind. It’s a lesson about just how precious and wonderful all that crazy freedom and democracy our forefathers worked so hard to give us really is, and it teaches us that we must be ever vigilant against the evil doers who constantly want to take it from us. But most importantly it serves to remind us that if you go treating the planet like your own giant Playmobil set then sooner or later someone, or in this case 19 someones, are gonna get pissed off and take a swing at you.

By this point, 9 full years after the fact, I’d probably give up every last ounce of my wonderful freedom and democracy if that’s what it takes to make the thousands of sappy memorials, news specials and documentaries about that day just stop. That sentiment is of course compounded if and when any of those WTC news specials or documentaries happen to be immediately followed by news specials or documentaries on Guantanamo Bay or anything else relating to the legacy of the Bush Jr. regime. And why do we need a memorial at all? It’s not like this story has ever really gone away. 9/11 ain’t like Christmas where we only think of it once a year. There hasn’t been a single day in the last 9 years when you haven’t heard the word terrorism and not a week has gone by where I haven’t at some point seen footage of those planes flying in to the towers. And I’m not just talking about American media but Canadian as well. The event has pretty much been constantly rammed down out throats since the day it happened and yet again they are telling us we all gotta stop and shed a tear over it all. Really at this point what is there left for anyone to say and what else am I supposed to do with it? Not only am I sick of all the disasters in the world right now I gotta keep on reliving this one over and over.

What was 9/11, 3,000 dead? Well, open the papers and take a peek. Many, many times more Iraqis died in an utterly misguided US led military invasion, hundreds of thousands died in the tsunami in Indonesia, the floods in Pakistan are likely killing 3,000 a day at this point, not to mention poverty and AIDS in Africa. What press do they get? Get the hell over it already America life goes on. I do understand that for a very few people 9/11 was a terrible thing, for the rest of the country it’s 100% political bull shit and an opportunity to swap what very little common sense your average American was born with for mindless sentimentality. So as far as I’m concerned 9/11 is a complete non-story at this point, so let’s finally put it to bed.

The irony of having the entire country screaming about freedom and democracy kinda spins itself around on itself and rather than creating diversity you kinda get one homogenous group all saying the same thing screaming at anyone who says anything different. Freedom and democracy for all...unless you want to build a mosque in the wrong place. I don’t really get that one, but now is not the time to dwell on the negative it is time for us to come together in solidarity and remember those brave souls who died.

One of the defining characteristics of America is how they have a penchant to over dramatize even the most mundane of things. Everything has to be bigger, better and completely over the top, and the consequence of it is that Americans don’t really live in anything resembling the same reality the rest of the world does. In America everything is symbolic, everything is polarized, everything is a conspiracy, everything is religious and everything is an opportunity to gain fame or make money. There is no doubt that the all pervasive TV and movies that they adore and use to define themselves plays a major part part and to be ‘worthwhile’ enough to be featured on one is the greatest achievement in American life. If there is one thing that they do more than any other race of people Americans love heros.

I think that in general the percentage of heros in any average society is about .05% and the term is reserved for the best of the best. In contrast to this America is probably running up about 75-80% and the term has nearly no meaning. If you died in the WTC you are a hero, if you were a fireman/police officer who went in you are a hero, if you are fighting in Afghanistan now because of 9/11 you are a hero. Bush was a hero, Obama is a hero, if you have a job you are a hero, if you are a mother you are hero, if you love baseball, apple pie or freedom you’re a hero. Is there even anyone who isn’t a hero down there? Oh yeah, and of course all Americans think that they are the world’s hero.

Take some lower class dude, who buys into the ‘American dream’ joins the army to get an otherwise impossibly expensive university education then gets himself killed in some god forsaken third world country on a mission whose MO is basically opening new markets for some of the the richest companies in the world and does it all for a pithy salary. The sad reality is that if you don’t call him a hero then you’d almost have to turn around and call the guy a sucker and I would guess tha’s a big part of the reason they do it. Although they are often seen as being very romantic and noble most real heros end up that way cause they get killed trying to fix someone else’s screw ups.

Anyways, speaking of true heros, the media and everything that’s wrong with America the only reason that I even bothered talking about 9/11 at all today is because of our old buddy Pastor T. Yes, I mean the Revernd Terry Jones, life really is stranger than fiction. This whole koran burning thing was just delicious. There was nothing about it that wasn’t completely ironic I mean the guy is working out of a church called Dove World Outreach Center. Based on that alone you’d think that this pastor would try to raise a few bucks for some of those poor saps in Pakistan or Haiti who are suffering so much. Or else, if he really thinks Islam is from the devil and wants to let the world know how he feels he could write an extensive theological paper laying out his reasoning and proving his point. Unfortunately raising money and seriously thinking things out require some real intelligence, hard work and effort. Something Pastor T is much good at.

You know you got two kinds of people in this world lovers and haters and this ‘pastor’ is definitely one of the later. I don’t really use the word much, but I think think that the term ‘douche bag’ applies perfectly to this enlightened leader of men. You know, you just know that this is some puke who got beaten up everyday in high school and is now trying to get his revenge by attacking the easiest target he can. But I guess life is good when you have the entire US military lined up behind you to fight your battles for you.

Well Rev, you sure showed those extremist’s who’s boss didn’t you? He basically went from being a total nutter to total pussy in the span of about 24 hours when he backed off. This guy should take his gun (apparently he straps), his attitude and his god with him to Afghanistan to burn down a few of their mosques over there. Let’s see how tough he really is and that any imam would lower himself by simply standing beside this clown is amazing to me.

Ultimately I guess that us it says more about the American media, how the public feasts on this stuff and how silly nonsense gets legitimized and blown up into international events because of that. Obama was asking this guy not to do it the Minister of Foreign Affairs right here in Canada was asking this guy not to do it and finally even god asked him not to do...or so Mr. Jones said. Now here’s my question if a seminary can give out preaching licenses why don’t they revoke them when punks like this do stupid things like this and hide behind the cross and flag while doing it?

Finally, school started this week too, it was fun. I gotta go now. Take care and I’ll talk to you next week.

Dan.

2010-09-03T22:00:00.008-04:00

This is a picture of my heart breaking after I heard that Paris Hilton was once again arrested for drug possession.

Ottawa Update 14

Yo, yo, yo it is the return of the superfly, the biggest and baddest bloggn’ kingpin. I am the O.G. in Ottawa. I’m a lotta things, but I ain’t no terrorist. That’s right big news round these parts is that we have terrorist right here in our sleepy capital city. Not only that but these are apparently the Avril Lavinge loving singing variety. Who knows what they did as the authorities are kinda playing their cards close to their chests, but what is know is that at some point one of these guys auditioned for Canadian Idol. It’s all very odd, but quite entertaining.

However what generally seems to happen in these types of terrorist situations is that every single person these guys know, their wives, friends, families hell even their dogs all get hauled into the slammer until they whittle the guilty down. The problem is the innocent then get their names splattered all over the newspapers and are pretty much screwed as far as having any kind of normal life again. So for the record if any friend of mine gets me arrested for terrorism let it be known right now I will bomb the hell out of you.

Well folk, the good news just keeps on pouring in and on August 31st I was finally accepted into Algonquin College’s photography program...a week before school starts. When I first applied way back in February I was allowed to choose three programs. My choices in order of preference was photography, journalism and advertising. At this point I have been accepted into all of the programs I applied to in reverse order. I came home because I was accepted into Advertising, I did some tests and got into j school and now, because they’ve had one to many no shows, I got into photography. Sadly, for them I think my acceptance was just a little too late and since the photography program is more money and a year longer I’ll just stick with the journalism for now.

Besides, I’ve already settled on my major thesis and I’m gonna call it ‘Sarcasm, does it have a place in modern journalism?’ Not to give to much away, but as far as I’m concerned a world without sarcasm would be like a world without Christmas or the Easter Bunny. It would be like a world without without war, poverty or eternal damnation. That is not the kind of place that I want to live, mostly because journalists desperately need all of those things to fuel their sense of justice and their laptops.

Anyways, school starts this week and it’s about time. Five months to that day after I returned to Canada I finally get to start doing what I came here for. Well, bring it on, cause I’m ready, committed and focused on what I gotta do to make things happen. However, there isn’t really much excitement, nerves or any of those other messy emotions that I had with those other ‘big step’ moments in the past like going to high school, university or international war zones it’s more of a ‘let’s just get it over with’ kind of thing.

In many ways going back to journalism school is just an extension of my history degree of ten years ago. A lot of the same skills are used, but rather than all that esoteric mental type stuff I’m now learning cold hard skills to finally use that degree in a practical way. I’ve been preparing for this years, I know I’ve got the chops and I’m going in with an open mind looking to learn. No task is too small, no obstacle too big, there will be nothing holding me back...except I don’t do heavy lifting, other than that no task is too small.

In trying to better one’s self or make major changes in one’s life or a person needs clearly defined goals and a plan to reach them. Even though I’ve tried it before, school is my plan and to have someone to pay me to do the things I was going to do anyways is my goal. What I mean by that is going somewhere new, taking bad pictures of stupid things and writing my ill informed opinions about it. As things stand right now the goal is to work for National Geographic one day. Hey, why not dream big?

I certainly don’t think I’m the greatest writer or photographer of all time, but I like to do those things and if I can just figure out a way to get some type of corporate sponsorship to pursue them in a more professional way, with talented people around me to guide me on my way, who knows then maybe, just maybe I might become the greatest one day. What I got working in my favor is oodles of creativity, energy, motivation and passion to make it happen. What I got working against me is that I am utterly lacking in organization, balance, focus and the intestinal fortitude to fight for the things that I really want.

However, no mater what I do I can’t stop my mind from spinning and spinning and I desperately need some kinda healthy outlet for that, if not I’ll go postal. I need a life with momentum and always learning new things, I think we all do. But I can take it even deeper than that, there some place I have to get to before I can actually stop and relax. It would be nice if I knew where exactly that place was, but I don’t. I’m slowly getting closer, but I have a little more to do, so I’m on some kind of weird mission or journey right now to find it. There is stuff in me that has got to come out and till this point I’ve been utterly lost at how to make it happen and overcome my laziness, procrastination and fear, but I got to.

I understand that a degree in anything is a guarantee of nothing, but believe school is my chance to get a little closer to whatever it is that I gotta do. I don’t really know what it is or why I’m so scared of grabbing the things that I want or how to get them, but that’s what mentors and teachers are for. Although I haven’t had been very impressed with the ones who I’ve crossed paths with in the past till this point, but I’ll assume there are a few good ones out there.

The funny thing about life is that I’m not all that different now than I was when I was like 8. All the good parts and all the bad parts are still there 30 years later. This is amazing to me for two reasons the first is that I believe all of us have a remarkable perception of who we are and what our life’s objective is from a very young age. The second is that, baring some massive life altering trauma we don’t really change that much from that same kid we once were. I tend to think that rather than life being a glorious process of us blossoming into new and better things over time like a caterpillar becoming a butterflies, it is more like a process of all of us trying to figure out how to best deal with what ever fucked up neurosis and crappy characteristics we got stuck with when we were born. My point is that I think most of us have some very general knowledge of what we were put here/want to do in life, but too often we stop short or get distracted before getting around to it.

I’m by no means a sentimental guy, but I do believe that all of us have unique powerful talents and abilities and that it’s our duty as human beings to figure out what those talents are and then use them to somehow make the world a better place. Some people figure them out way quicker than others, but no mater how much trouble or how scary that may be it’s the reason that we are all here. The shitty thing is you gotta be hard to achieve big things and that means big changes for me, a guy who is generally softer than a loaf of Wonder Bread.

Some people don’t want the pressure of stepping up to the plate with the game on the line others need it. I know that too often instead of opening myself up embracing failure and pushing myself to find my place I have clenched up and avoided the challenges. Every obstacle in our paths, every trial we face, every challenge is an opportunity to become a stronger better person. The Tibetans believe that all life is suffering and that pain and suffering are not to be avoided, but embraced. They believe that it’s pain and trials that are the very things that make us human and ultimate bind us together in our humanity. That being said pain and suffering still suck.

There are always nagging doubts about everything we do and I guess there are even some here now with me. Mostly there are always those questions about whether I’m completely delusional in thinking I can scrap out a living writing and taking pictures. Many better men have failed before me, but it was good to talk to so many different people over the summer all of whom were positive and encouraging about what I’m doing. Whether any of them actually believed or meant it or not is another mater altogether.

The summer has generally been okay. I have cleared my head and in some ways changed some of my bad patterns. On the other hand looking back over my time since I’ve gotten back I don’t think I’ve used all my time as best as I could have. I’m particularly thinking that I should gotten a job, at least part time cause I’m broke with a capital B. I kinda thought that if I ran out of money it would force me to work harder at getting stuff published. I may have got me working harder at submitting stuff but it so far hasn’t worked in getting much stuff accepted. I really gotta stop putting myself in situations like this when every time I’ve done it in the past I’ve failed.

As for this week’s picture it isn't very beautiful...but it was fun to do. One day I wanted to see if I could get some high speed type thing happening. I started by dropping a few eggs on the floor which was ok, but I really wanted something a little more dramatic. That’s when I went for the old lady’s cupboard and grabbed a handful of her glasses and plates. The good news is I got something kinda cool, although still not quite what I wanted the bad news is that we’re drinking out of Dixie cups as a result. Anyhow, take care guys and always remember the number one rule of journalism - never let the facts get in the way of a good story. Believe me when I tell you that is something I will never ever do.

Dan.

2010-08-19T21:54:00.009-04:00

Please don't try this at home.

Ottawa Update 13 ft. Snoop Dogg

[Snoop]
Greetings loved ones
Let's take a journey

[Dan]
I know a place
Where the snow is really whiter
Cold, wet and socialist
There must be somethin' in the water
Sippin' Molson and Labatts
Layin' underneath the maple trees (Undone)
The gurls
Break their necks
Try'na creep a little sneak peek (At us)

You could travel the world
But nothing comes close
To Central Canada
Once you party with us
You'll be falling in love
Oooooh oh oooooh

[Dan]
Canadian boyz
We're unforgettable
Woolen toques
Sorels bellow
Lilly white skin
So cold
We'll freeze your Popsicle
Oooooh oh oooooh

Canadian Boyz
We're undeniable
Fine, fresh, fierce
We got it on ice
O-Town represent
Now put your hands up
Oooooh oh oooooh

[Snoop Dogg]
Toned, tanned
Fit and ready
Turn it up 'cause it's gettin' heavy
Wild, wild
These are the Boyz I love the most

I mean the ones
I mean like he's the one
Kiss him
Touch him
Squeeze his buns

The boyz a freak
He drives a Jeep
and lives on the ice flow
I'm okay
I won't play
I love Hudson’s Bay
Just like I love gananoque
Ontario peach
And Harrison Hot Springs
Wintertime is everything

Homeboys
Hangin' out
All that ass
Hangin' out
Bikinis, tankinis, martinis
Big weenies
Just a king
And a queen-ie
Dany my lady
(Yeah)
You're lookin' here baby
(Uh huh)
I'm all up on you
'Cause you representin' Canada
(Ohhh yeahh)

[Dan]
Canadian boyz
We're unforgettable
Woolen toques
Sorels bellow
Lilly white skin
So cold
We'll freeze your Popsicle
Oooooh oh oooooh

Canadian Boyz
We're undeniable
Fine, fresh, fierce
We got it on ice
O-Town represent
Now put your hands up
Oooooh oh oooooh

[Snoop Dogg]
(Canadaaaa, Canadaaaa)
Canadian Boyz man
I wish they all could be
Canadain boyz
(Canadaaaa)
I really wish
You all could be
Canadian boyz
(Canadiaaaan, boyz)

Okay, stunned silence commence...now...

...that my friends is 100% pure unadulterated boredom. However, filler like that it is also a great way to quickly reach my 2 page Update quota. That being said in a ‘grand scheme of things’ kind of way what I think it really says is that this blog has descended into little more than some kind of theater of the absurd. It’s now a place where nonsense and madness are the norm...and it’s beautiful. All I know is that I gotta spend a whole lot less time on Youtube and reading Tiger Beat magazine than I am right now.

Please Algonquin College journalism program hurry up, start the fall semester. I desperately need you to save me from myself.

Well folks, a few of you may have noticed that I didn’t bother showing up last week. My shrink has been telling me for months that I have to take a little time off. I get to emotionally involved in my writing. He tells me that I give way, way to much to you people and with nothing coming back my way it’s a bad thing for my delicate self-esteem...and he’s right. But last weekend I followed his advice, I went down to the Big Smoke and chilled at my bro’s place for a few days. The thing is I only went down cause I knew he was out of town. With him gone my old man and I banged a few holes in his walls and dragged buckets of dirt through his house and then left the place in a mess.

The time off was good but booking it off was a nightmare. Since the blog was bought out by the Fung Wang Corp. and is now being run by a Chinese company with the head office in Hong Kong all the paperwork and hoops I have to jump through to take one lousy weekend off is unbelievable. It’s a headache, but I really shouldn’t complain too much. Overall the sale has been good, my readership is way up and it does have me spending a lot less time on the boring administrative stuff involved in running a blog like this and let’s me focus all my time and energy on the writing and creative side of things.

Anyways, back to Toronto the reason we headed down there was because the test results have come back and it seems that one nephew is now officially epileptic. I’ve been lead to beleive that he has a somewhat mild form of it. I don’t think he needs drugs to del with it and since he is so young it may in fact even slowly disappear. So in order to help out however we could we decided to head down there and do a little good old fashioned hard labour for my brother.

I guess that the biggest event going on in the world right now is the flooding in Pakistan. Rivers are now 40 times higher than normal and all the world’s aid agencies are whining and complaining about how they have no where near enough money to help the people on the ground. They basically need way, way more cash and can’t understand why no one is helping out. And sadly, I couldn’t really give a shit. For me it isn’t the super slow unfolding of the flood disaster, it isn’t the disgustingly corrupt government that is now asking us to send them our money (I know, I know we installed them to help us fight the Soviets in Afghanistan 25 years ago), it isn’t the fact that half the country is run by warlords (I know, I know we needed them to help us fight the Soviets in Afghanistan 25 years ago), it isn’t the countless terrorism schools the country is filled with where they teach people to kill us infidels (I know, I know we needed them to help us fight the Soviets in Afghanistan 25 years ago), it isn’t the the fact that we’re basically at war with these guys...at least at all the Taliban/Al Qaeda dudes they are sheltering in their country (I know, I know we needed them to help us fight the Soviets in Afghanistan 25 years ago), it certainly isn’t the fact that women are considered to be on par with dogs or and it’s not even the fact that they are about the farthest possible nation from our fair shores and therefor the they have next to no emotional connection with me. I’m fine with all that stuff. Hey, corruption, misogyny and incompetence is more or less how my old man ran things around my house when I was young, but the truth is that these days, I’m all disastered out.

09 was like the worst economic year since the Great Depression with some of the biggest banks, auto makers and European countries going down the shitter. Then 2010 rolled around and brought us Haiti’s earthquake, the world’s biggest oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and now it’s hit us with this. Let’s not forget that there are still all those massive problems that don’t seem to be going anywhere like global warming, poverty, the extinction of all living things on our planet all hanging over our heads. Hell, Iraq and New Orleans aren’t anywhere near to being up and running and we now we got 20 million Pakis to add to the payroll. And all experts agree that their pain suffering is slated to go on for years and years to come. What’s next? And what’s more this thing is so huge that I wonder what the hell can I, or my 10 bucks, even really do to fix this?

All I know is that I got way, way too worked up over the BP thing and, sadly, I just got nothing more to emotionally give to these people. Right now I need a serious break from bad news for a while. At least long enough so I can empty the old bad news receptacles that are now filled to overflowing. People magazine where are you now?

Anyhoo, speaking of how my father runs things, his thrift shop turned one year old last week and in the past year he/it has raised grossed 300,000 bones. The only way to describe that place is like money falling out of the sky when you step onto the parking lot. The point of the store is to donate all profits to charities and so this year after all start up costs are paid off there will be some money going to the tired, the poor, the huddled masses and even to those yarning to breath free. I think that his store is a good metaphor for life and kinda inspiring. My old man is is busting his chops to keep that thing up running and busting his chops he is. From getting covered in graffiti everyday, to homeless people sleeping on the roof, to constant staffing issues, to things being stolen (mostly by me) or broken or the problems never stop. The thing is a constant headache and nothing but trouble for all involved, but they keep plugging away at it and they’ve done alright...this year. The moral of this tale is that if you wanna get something done jump the hell in and go for it you might be surprised at what happens.

None of us know know what to expect for next year that is mostly because I’ve decided I’m gettin’ in on some that thrift shop gravey train and opening up a bigger and better thrift shop next door to cut in on some of his action. That’s right old man, you read it here first look out cause I’m gonna take you and your little trash store down!

And on that throw down I’ll say that’s it, that’s all. As for this week’s picture, I took it on on one of our many trips back and forth across Souther Ontario in the last month. We found this quaint little church in the picturesque town of Picton Ontario. It was sold a few years ago and apparently the guy who owns it wanted to tear it down and build a shopping mall. Unfortunately for him city council thought it was a historical landmark and should be preserved. Apparently he didn’t. He rented a wrecker and went at it himself. He had no permit, no fence to keep people back and he didn’t even bother to disconnect the electricity, the exit lights were still on and this is what was left when the cops got there up. I’m guessing he’ll get his shopping mall sooner rather than later. Take care and good night folks.

Dan.

2010-08-16T13:45:00.007-04:00

Now that's my kinda party! Actually to be honest with you, I loath every one of those guys. They are some of the loudest, most arrogant, stuck up, obnoxious, ignorant, deluded and neurotic guys I've ever met. But no matter how hard I try or where I go I just can't seem to shake them.

Ottawa Update 12

(Before reading any farther please take a moment and scan your eyes across the upper right hand corner of this blog. Oh...and be amazed!)

Ladies and gentlemen, blogging is my business...and business is good. When I was told that I’d made the short list then didn’t think much more about it, but I was shocked when I got the call telling me I’d won a few months later. I mean, I’ve never won anything in my life before, but it looks like I can now officially call myself an award winning blogger. From what I hear The Alliance of Cool Bloggers are one of the top 1000 or so awards that a blogger can win.

The recognition is wonderful and it’s nice to see that all my hard work is finally being recognized. I got into this business years ago, much like any other kid did when the whole blogging phenomena kicked off around 2001/02, but I never dreamed that I’d ever win a thing. Back then my aspirations were modest and probably similar to many bloggers starting out today. I wanted money, power, women and an outlet to talk about my travels and feelings. Years later, here I am still getting nowhere with regards to the last goal on my list, but the rest have been awesome! I’d like to thank my 3-5 loyal readers who’ve joined me on this wild, wild ride and who have been there throughout the many highs and lows.

How tough it was for me to win this thing? Real tough! First of all I had to start up The Alliance of Cool Bloggers (TACB). Yeah that’s right, I created the organization. Ironically it wasn’t to give out awards, I originally started for tax reasons. I initially set it up as a non-profit which would allow me to funnel millions through it into off banks in both Panama and Lebanon. Hey look, no one likes paying taxes do they? After that there were months of nasty back-room negotiations, death threats and strong arm tactics (all with myself) and when the dust settled I found I had become the president of TACB for life. Once I was finally wielding this long sought after and completely unchecked power the first thing I did was build an enormous palace to myself. The second thing I came up with was the idea of an annual award to recognize up and coming talent and to give something back to the little people. Then after all of that I then did the hardest thing of all. I awarded myself the very first Cool Blog Award.

I know what you’re thinking, but actually it wasn’t the moral issues of giving myself my own award that bothered me at all. The truth is that we are all our own worst critics and as you all know that holds true for me more than anyone. However, despite that I still managed to eek out a narrow victory over one of my other blogs!

Ay,yi yi...

Okay, okay I’m not that proud of winning anything, but I’m tickled pink that I figured out how to make that top banner and actually post it. More importantly my quest for mind control of others has begun. I guess what it really shows is that if you put a fancy logos on something it’ll look authoritative and fool people...or maybe not fool anyone. But at the very least it will, however, make the guy who designed it happy, if only until he comes up with his next stupid idea.

Anyways, that new top banner literally took me months to make. After conceptualization, I had to figure out how to design it, then I had to figure out how to get that design up on top of my blog. And it all took a real long time. For a guy as dumb as me trying to figure all that out in HTML/photoshop would be like anyone else trying read Lord of the Rings in Hindi (unless you actually knew Hindi then I’d use a different language as an example). But I’m happy cause I had an idea and I somehow made it happen. All I gotta say is that it’s real nice finally coming out on top of one or two of these epic battles I’m always having with modern technology.

This has been a long summer and certainly not quite as productive as I would have liked. I really hoped that I could get some more stuff written and maybe published somewhere,

but I have noticed there is one thing that’s very different now than a few short months ago. I’m no longer afraid of my computer anymore.

I always know what I want to do and now instead of giving up or thinking that it’s impossible I know I can do it and I’ll keep at it all week long if I have too. That’s very different than a even few months ago and I know I’m never again gonna be a helpless victim who just gives up on whatever I wanted to do ever again. Okay, okay I’m sure I’ll still give up on tons of stuff, but I hope it’ll be a little less often. I’m gaining a newfound confidence and ability on a computer and that’s nice cause that was one of the key reasons that I’m going back to school.

Other that spending 12 hours a day in front of my computer all week, I just came back from my cousin’s wedding. It was an outdoor affair and a very nice, although slightly humid, day. The best part is that unlike those poor dudes who attend weddings in Iraq or Afghanistan we don’t have to worry about getting bombed by American drone planes as it happened. It was a lot of fun and I’m glad that I was invited. then again I suppose that open bars would make a lot of things in life more fun than they otherwise are. If you’re interested I posted a few pics on the other blog.

Finally, today its been 33 years since ‘the king’ Elvis the pelvis Presley kicked it. He’s now singing Thursday nights at that big rock concert in the sky, but the two of us have a lot in common. Handsome, bad attitudes, and cultural icon are only a few of the words that have been used to describe us. We both have a love of fast cars and faster women, but the most similar of all that for the sake of common decency neither of us should ever be filmed from the waste down. Take care for now, Don’t Be Cruel and see you later.

Dan.

2010-08-08T16:45:00.002-04:00

Me, a camera and way, way too much time on my hands. I do believe that I have, however, once again proven that I am the M.C. Escher of photography. And just so you know how pathetic I really am, watermark aside, this shot is 100% photoshop free.

Ottawa Update 11

Psst....hey kid....yeah you.

Wanna read an Update?

Shhh...keep your voice down!

Waddaya mean no?...you chicken or somethin’?

Gimme a break...what does your mother know about this stuff?

Everyone’s doin’ it...it’ll make you cool.

Look, just try it...your gonna love it.

Sure, okay, whatever...get lost there’s plenty a other kids who’d love to try some.

What’s that...no charge man...first time’s on your old pal Dan.

Yeah, that’s right...there you go...I knew you could do it.

Whoa, slow down a little, not too quickly, try to make it last.

Atta boy, nice and easy.

Wow, you really liked it didn’t ya...kinda makes ya feel warm and tingly all over don’t it?

What’s that? You want some more?

Tell you what since your such a sweet kid, I’ll be back in a week or so with some way better stuff, meet me here same time same place...oh and and bring some cash.

Whoa! Geeze...you guys scared the hell outta me, I had no idea you were standing there. I sure wish you didn’t have to see that, but hey, welcome to the jungle. You wanted reality? You got it! That’s just how messed up life is in this dirty blogging world I inhabit. Every single day is struggle for our very survival down here. All my free time is spent hanging out in darkened allies beside public schools hustling and fighting for any new reader I can get. And hey, if one or two can’t handle themselves and let things get out of control...well I’m real sorry for them, but that ain’t my problem...

You know it’s intros like that, and reactions like yours to them that have me thinking I might just be my own biggest fan. Anyways, hustling aside, there wasn’t a ton going on here this week, but I did have a remarkably productive week. I got lots and lots of little things done - resumes out, some photos submitted, I spent time plugging away at photoshop, I knocked off book or two and always writing away at something,. Oh yeah, on the other hand I lost my very first patient down at the hospital last Wednesday, but that’s inevitable I guess. And although I try not to dwell on it too much, but it really does sound kinda cool when I tell people about it.

What’s even bigger news is that I learned something truly shocking and sad this week. I found out that there is one thing, one substance on this earth that’s faster, tougher, stronger and smarter than I am. For Super man it’s kryptonite...for me it’s rain. Yup, that’s right rain. I used to think those little tiny drops looked harmless enough, I’d even go so far as to say cute and cuddly, but after this week I (and about 12 million Pakistanis) will forever see them as being sent straight from the bowels of hell.

As some of you may have heard nature is a wonderful, complex and miraculous thing. It is filled with millions perfectly self-contained ecosystems and biospheres that forever react to each other and create a symbiotic balance. For instance, I found out this week that there is an invisible network of streams and waterways crisscrossing our backyard that only come to life when it rains...and that all empty directly into our basement.

Ottawa has been hit with some crazy hot humid weather which has resulted in massive snap thunder storms and our own private indoor pool. Now thunderstorms aren’t a totally new thing, but in 35 years of home ownership the basement flooding is. In snooping around trying to find out what happened I realized that since I’ve been gone our neighbors have tripled the size of their home and in so doing have also tripled the surface area of their roof. The expansion process has brought their house and thier huge new roof physically closer to ours and allows the rain it catches to drop directly into our basement. What this means that your until we finally fixed the problem for good I spend a few hours a day in water up to his knees bailing.

Lately I’ve been puttering around Canada and spending much of that time with my family - both extended and immediate. I’ve enjoyed it, as have they, and the last month was great a good chance to reconnect with the brother and sister and their kids. What this means is that over the last few weeks, and years for that matter, I’ve spent a great deal of time with kids and their parents watching them interact and making a few insightful observations.

The first thing of note is that there isn’t one single parent alive on God’s green earth who can ever complain about lying politicians, false advertising or authorities who ignore them ever again. There are no humans anywhere who twist the truth, manipulate others, use deadly force or suspend another’s civil rights more than parents do to to their kids. Of course all this is said to be done ‘for their own good’ in or order to make 6 year olds eat vegetables, stop them from screaming in shopping malls or brush their teeth. But when you really think about it is kinda twisted telling kids about Santa Claus to make them be good or telling them to share the toys or ‘loose them’.

The other thing I’ve noticed is just how radically different the new generation is raising their kids. When I was young the popular approach to child rearing among nearly everyone I dealt with (parents, relatives, friend’s parents and teachers) was the use of overwhelming force. Nearly all of these guys would slap, pinch, spank, kick, claw, hack or strap first and (maybe) ask questions later. I mean, I remember times that I’d be messing arround then notice a dark shadow suddenly blocking out then sun behind me. Before I could turn around or get my arms up to defend myself or even ask why I’d wake up in the hospital a week or two later. It wasn’t the US military who came up with the concept of Shock and Awe it was the Dutch Reformed. While the Old Testament’s Talibanesque approach to punishment may seem cool or empowering to those in charge, I can’t imagine it’ll actually get the punisher into heaven and more importantly it’s an extremely unproductive way to discipline a dog, let alone a child. All it really serves to do is create hatred and resentment in the whoever’s at the loosing end of such an unfair fight.

But fear not these days the pendulum has swung the other way and the discipline du jour seems to be to to sit down and endlessly discuss pros and cons of one’s actions with 4 year olds. Although the jury is still out on the overall results of this new method and the fact that this constant negotiation and discussion of one’s feelings is an incredibly time consuming task it does ‘teach’ kids and at the end of the day, manage to leave them with a sliver of dignity. Few could argue those as being a bad things. Personally, I see my own nieces, nephews, friend’s kids or second cousins far too little to really care how they are raised, but I am amazed at the massive shift that’s taken place in one generation. It is both a very good thing and pretty universal.

On a somewhat lighter note I’ve got a confession to make...I’ve been listening to tons and tons of trance and house music lately. I can’t really explain it, I always hated the stuff before and I can’t really hear the words, but these days it’s pounding through the Neutel household. I have a theory that in order to listen to this stuff without puking you gotta be happy. For years my choice was grunge because with that music the opposite seems to be the case and that’s how I was, but recently something’s changing. Maybe it was Calgary or maybe it’s because the stuff is huge in Japan. But these day my folk’s place sounds like the Liquid Room in Tokyo and I have no doubt my folks are loving it every bit as much as I am.

Finally on August 6 my dear, dear, really, really dear mother celebrated her birthday. Since I already said many nice things about her for last year’s birthday and since she’s presently in complete denial about her age, I’ll wish her the best for the upcoming year and leave it at that. Sadly, yet again I got her nothing because I truly believe the best gift I can possibly give her is the same one that I’ve been giving her since the day I was born...being the greatest son of all time. However she take time out of her busy day and buy me a coffee maker so that I’d stop using hers. Yeah...I don’t know if I’d call it guilt, but it’s close.

And on that note, I gotta run, but just remember if it feels good it probably is...like percocet for instance Take care, support your local pushers and I’ll be back whenever I feel like it.

Dan.

2010-08-01T20:10:00.006-04:00

Picture this if you will, a young (and extremely talented) photographer hanging out at 1 am outside Dinosaur Provincial Park Alberta. He is excited to be in the prairies and looking to get hundreds of award winning and unobstructed star shots. Unfortunately for me...er him there was a full moon that lit the sky like the Super Bowl was being played and that he just couldn’t work around. Driving back to his campsite while cursing the gods and wondering why life was so unfair to him he saw something out of the corner of his eye. He stopped the car and looked back and this was what he saw. He fired off a few shots before the deer ran off and came home with something better than he could have hoped for.

Alberta Update 10

Hola, mi amigos and happy Civic Holiday!

If you are reading this right now for the first time you’ve probably discovered that I finally found a way to combine the power of your idiotically short facebook updates with the power of my idiotically long blog updates and the world is now a better place because of it. After years of tossing and turning, consulting the stars and tireless researching I’ve come to the conclusion that from now on whenever I post I’ll just fire off a note on the old FB and let you all dig in...if you want. Word of warning grab a snack cause this is a long one.

Now since this is the very first Update some of you are reading let me offer a big hello and warm welcome to those few long lost friends and relatives who I may not have spoken to and whom I’ve missed dearly over the years, but to look like a nice guy on such a public stage as this I’ll graciously do the same to most of you who I don’t really know at all or care much about. Come on in and have a seat. The place has been vacuumed, scrubbed and disinfected so that you will all hopefully leave with with good memories and no serious rashes. With the formalities out of the way let’s get down to business. You joined us at a great time as this is also my very first HD version of the blog and if you have the proper computer you will know that it now looks totally kick ass. If you don’t have the right gear it’ll look just like it always did.

For the past 2 weeks I was on a road trip through Canada’s wildest west. Some of you may have already heard the rumors or seen the cutesy pictures, but now it’s time for me to fill you in on all the ugly details. This little romp started about a week or two after I got back to Canada in April. Risa decided to come down, visit me so she could escape her job and so we could spend her birthday together. Since my sister was spending her summer out Calgary way, and since I’d heard faint whisperings that there were some cool things to see out there we decided that would be the meeting point.

We could never have dreamed when she bought her tickets that our quiet little ‘get together’ would turn into what it did. It was a road trip for the ages one that would rival Thelma and Louise’s, the Blues Brothers’, Vanishing Point, Mad Max, Easy Rider, Deathrace 2000 and even the most epic of them all the Neutel family cross Canada tour of 1986. Although we hadn’t discussed too much before we started based on what transpired I think that our goals were to mock and ridicule my nieces, take more pictures than any human could possibly look over in a lifetime, spend all our money, eat the most unhealthy food Western culture has to offer, pack on weight, have countless stupid arguments about incredibly trivial things, get eaten alive by mosquitos and black flies, injure/sunburn ourselves, loose lots of little things, break our ipod and destroy my most expensive camera lens.

As Risa was only coming for 9 days, I opted to show up early and stay on a little after she left. I felt that would be the best way to make sure Rebecca and her family wouldn’t get overly jealous and bitter towards her and ensure all would have good time together. So my trip began way back on July 13 and the first few days were spent in High River, Alberta acclimating myself to the wide open spaces, the much longer Alberta days and the strong stench of red neck/white trash that the province is filled with. In those first few days we went to the Calgary Stampede, did some hiking in the foothills and arranged a ride for after Risa came.

There are really only three things you have to know about Alberta/Calgary before you get here are: first the pick up trucks are huge and everyone has one, secondly every guy over there dresses, walks and acts just like Walker Texas Ranger and lastly they really do love their tattoos. I’ve been back in Canada a while and I still can’t believe the way everyone over here is tatted up. Arms, legs, backs and god knows where else they are. The sizes are huge and it’s now to the point that anyone without a tattoo in North America is the real rebel. Yeah, I’m talking to you mom and dad you guy have somehow suddenly become cool in my books. Enjoy it while it lasts, I’m sure it’s not gonna last long.

...and then Risa showed up. I know what you’re all thinking a visit to Calgary means mountains, gravity powered sports and time in the quaint little villages of Banff and Jasper. That’s what I thought too, but Risa would have none of that and it wasn’t till I was on my knees, with tears rolling down my cheeks and offering my first born that she even considered going anywhere near even the smallest of the hills. She got to Canada with one single goal, she wanted Saskatchewan and nothing else.

We eventually settled on two days in the mountains three days on the prairies and that turned out to be a fairly decent tour. But why a little girl from Japan loves the prairies so much, and why she then slept through so much of it as we drove around in it, is a mystery to me, but she does, and did. And that’s how I found myself speeding eastward and watching my glorious Rockies slowly turn to specks and eventually disappear from sight in my rear view mirror.

Although in the end we didn’t ever make it into her precious Saskatchewan, we did drive along Alberta’s Eastern most boarder where the canola, the flatness and the monotony are pretty much the same. So we did Banff and Jasper National Parks and managed to add Edmonton, Elk Island National Park and Dinosaur Provincial Park onto the program and they were all cool. The driving was fun, we had a nice little car and I was (for the first time in my life) the slowest diver on the highway. When all was said and done we managed a grand total of 1,736 km around the province. I would estimate that we likely had just as many arguments over where we should be going. Personal attacks aside what we did was a great little tour of a nice area of the world.

What you all must know is that here in Canada our beloved federal government has for over a century created an extensive series of national parks. Banff was the first way back in 1885 and many have sprung up since then all celebrating some different part of the wonderful geologic, botanical or biological diversity this country has been blessed with. These Canadian Parks are cool because even a complete moron (and there’s certainly no shortage of them pouring in from around the world) can see totally cool shit without exerting so much as an ounce of effort to do it or even setting foot outside their cars. So if you ever wanna see mountains, moose, buffalo, whales or yes even Canadian Indians there are all kinds of wonderful places where Canadian government has conveniently fenced them all up just each and every one of us can all drive through fire off some pictures and get to the closest Walmart with as little time lost as possible.

For the most part Risa and camped as we travelled and as we puttered around we wanted to see what the different areas had to offer. I don’t know what they were like 100 years back, but Canadian hot springs are generally horrible places. I know that living in Japan I’ve been spoiled over the years, but Canadian hot springs really are terrible. What they aren’t is soothing, relaxing, natural places, what they are, are basically chlorine filled swimming pools albeit with a slight scent of sulfur. It’s bad enough that people pay as much as they do to sit in em in Japan, but over here it brutal. The views, the water and the people are all way better in Japan.

On her second day in Canada we had a small birthday party for Risa at my sister’s pad then jumped into our rental car and hit Banff National Park for dessert. Ironically we happened to pull in on its 125th birthday and got in free because of it. Risa, like many Japanese, has the unique ability to see anyone who has a visible tattoo, messy hair, a beard, dirty clothes, a slight tinge of BO or basically anyone not in a suit and tie as ‘junkies’ and be utterly terrified of them. Sadly based on those qualifications Canada may not have been the best place to hang out and Banff on a Saturday evening was worse, but I liked it so much that I went back after she left.

The big gift to Risa was a day of horse back ridding which we did a week later on her last day in Canada. I can’t believe how cool/relaxing/fun ridding a horse is and especially with Alberta’s spectacular scenery. After Risa went back home I had a few more days to kill and so after I kissed her goodbye at the airport I immediately jumped the first bus back to Banff. The next three days were a photog’s dream bluebird skys, awesome scenery and a personal guide who knows the area better than anyone and pretty much wore me out. I hooked up with my cousin who is as inspired by the mountains as I am and a guy who’s figured out a way to socialize and party more on a quiet Monday night than I do in an entire year. So John, thanks for everything we’ll summit Assiniboine next summer for sure.

I don’t know about Risa but for me the most exciting part of the trip was that the second that I touched down in Calgary my camera stopped working properly. Or at least that’s my excuse for the reason that this Update’s shots aren’t up to my normal mediocre standards. The whole trip was kinda like Christmas for me because every time I picked up the damn thing there was a fun new surprise waiting in the form of some new malfunction. It might have been the heat, or the dust or just the fact that I take no care of my camera whatsoever. Anyways, I kinda managed with it, but considering my only goal in life is to take pictures of cool new places and weird things I wasn’t real happy about not being able to fully explore those avenues on my expensive gear.

There are really two thought processes with regards to high end camera gear. The first is if you pay thousands for this stuff you better stick it in a drawer and spend your whole life making sure that it never sees so much as a drop of rain or a spec of dust. Then there is the other school of though, mine, that since I paid so much for the thing it damn well better be able to take anything I throw at it. With me that means that it’s dangling around my neck and bouncing off rocks as I’m scrambling up mountains, or getting dropped into a foot of fresh powder snow, or sitting in a rental car mid summer at 50˚, giving it to my 8 year old niece to play with then taking a nap, or spending the night getting dew soaked as I try yet another time lapse. Okay in thinking things through it might be me, but what is really pissing me off right now is that after I got home and had the thing all boxed up and ready to send in for repairs then she decided to start working again and has been fine since. So I don’t really know what to do with it...aside from take a sledge hammer to the thing.

Anyways, although I couldn’t get all the shots I wanted, throughout the tour the weather was outstanding, just one short morning of rain, and the last day of my trip in High River may have been the best of all. The best unless you happened to be an historic old train station that was recently turned into a museum...cause it kinda erupted in flames at 4 am. I don’t know what happened, but it made for a great place to take my busted camera for a few before and after pics.

All in all it was one of the best trips I’ve ever taken. I mean the trip went so well that the taxi driver who picked me up at the Ottawa airport was a guy I knew from the Canal Ritz and hadn’t seen since 97. When he first picked me up I was happy to see him, then I kinda thought ‘oh shit’ I should have taken another cab cause since I know the guy I’d have to give him a bigger tip. But he did the right thing and didn’t charge me anything and so I was once again happy to see him. Yeah...that’s exactly the kind of guy that I am.

Other than all that the mosquitos were a nightmare, we saw new animals every day (which was Risa’s MO), we met new and interesting folks and saw some of this country. And I do thank Rebecca and family, Risa the great and cousin Jon for helping me out and guiding me on this latest little tour and making it all possible. I hope I wasn’t too much of a bother.

So after this trip how am I doing? Well, aside from being totally broke with thousands in tuition, software and text books to yet buy, I’m feeling awesome. My rational for putting myself in this position is that there have been countless time where my utter stupidity has been my one saving grace and I’m kinda hoping that kicks in here too...and soon! That being said if there was any doubt in my mind that traveling is what I should be doing with my life (and there never really was) there is none now. I was happy, inspired and alive out there. My objective is to somehow maintain that passion in all other aspects of my life.

How would I describe Canada to those who have never been here? I guess it’s like a really, really rich and generally well run third world country that isn’t in the southern hemisphere. I still haven’t quite figured out if Canada is really such a great country or if I could go anywhere that didn’t involve all the boredom and drudgery of ‘real life’ and be happy. I’m not totally sure, but it’s likely both. What I do know is that every last corner of this world is filled to the brim with all kinds of beauty, magic and wonder. Where ever you are it’s just siting there waiting for you, just beyond your doorstep. You can see it if you look. I don’t know about any of you, but want to immerse every ounce of myself in it till the day I die.

Unfortunately this trip, inspiring as it was to me, seems to have had the opposite effect for Risa and has threw her into some kinda massive depression starting the second she got back to Tokyo’s heat, unforgiving work schedule and loneliness. Oh well I guess in some strange way that means she had a pretty good time too. Now that the clear and simple focus traveling gives me is done I’m back to the disorganization, chaos and the hard work of trying to just keep my head together...at least till school starts. And at this point that can’t happen soon enough.

Wow look at the time, I gotta run. Enjoy the pictures (go to the ‘Tour de Force’ link on the right) and have a great week I’ll talk to you kids later. Take care for now.

Dan.